The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)
by Ulquiorra9000
Summary: Sequel to The Perfect Happy Marriage (probably!). Ichigo and Candice introduced a new member to their little family, but Ichigo isn't sure he can balance school, work, a kid, and his future dreams at once. Then he's got Giselle and Meninas as the baby's unofficial godmothers...! M for lemons.
1. Chapter 1

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 1**

Ichigo was still pacing back and forth in his and Candice's bedroom in their small but cozy apartment, and by now, he was sure he'd worn a deep enough track into the floor for irrigation purposes. "Candice, honey, your contractions are still kinda far apart -"

"Ooooooh! I dunno, darling," Candice moaned, reclined in the rocking chair, hands on her large, round belly. "Maybe it's time?"

"Well, I, uh..." Ichigo kept tugging at his shirt collar, like he'd done for the past ten minutes. Candice was eight and a half months along... _was_ this time? But they'd had false alarms before, like the one last week.

Candice hunched forward with another groan, shoulders heaving. "I think th-this is for real!" she cried. "L-let's get to your dad's clinic. Pronto!"

Every detail in the room stood out starkly in Ichigo's eyes: the angle of evening sunlight poking through the half-closed blinds, the ticking cuckoo clock on the wall (Giselle's baby shower gift), the empty ramen bowl and chopsticks on the bedside table -

And the up-and-coming baby!

The big moment!

Ichigo felt very small.

"O-okay, okay. Stuff!" Ichigo blurted, gripping his orange hair. "Things... I gotta..."

Candice giggled. "Got a short circuit, darling? _Ooooooh!"_

Ichigo jumped as though jolted by lightning (it might have happened for real). "Okay, take my hand, and I'll get us to the car." He extended the promised hand. He wished it didn't shake like that.

"You're the best." Candice took his hand and discharged enough lightning to power Tokyo for the length of a _Friends_ episode.

Ichigo lay sputtering on the carpet, a charred, smoking mess. "Now _I_ need to visit the clinic!"

Candice giggled again and managed to heave herself upright. "Hooray! I got up by myself!" She winced and panted for breath. "Ooops. Might have worked something loose..."

Somehow, Ichigo channeled some mysterious deep power (commonly known as adrenaline), finally slipped on rubber gloves (it wasn't a coincidence that he had a pair nearby), took his wife's hand, and herded her to their '98 Toyota. Ichigo swallowed hard and fired up the engine, slowly backin' out of the driveway.

And nearly hit a blue sedan that was passing by.

"Son of a bitc -!" Ichigo roared.

Candice smiled. "Hey, the baby has ears, y'know."

"I'm sorry," Ichigo said meekly.

"No, I mean if the baby's gonna learn how to cuss, it should learn from a master like you!"

Ichigo backed onto the road safely this time. "I should have figured."

The good news was that Isshin's Kurosaki Clinic was just a ten-minute drive away. The _bad_ news was that at least six cars were piled up around the place, and Ichigo very grumpily parked two houses down.

"This had better be a convention of maternity ward nurses," Ichigo commented as he led Candice down the sidewalk, his sweaty hand held tightly around hers.

Candice squinted. "Hey, I recognize one of those cars..."

Ichigo did, too. This didn't bode well.

A roar of noise blasted back Ichigo's hair as he threw open the front door. He scowled. "DAD!"

Isshin leaped to his feet and scrambled over from the festivities, his face lively. "M'boy! Candice, my dear! Welcome! I -"

Ichigo introduced his foot to Isshin's face. "We need the clinic! It's baby o'clock!"

Isshin did his best to ignore the smoking, foot-shaped crater on his face. "Okay! Baby! Right this way. I have some fancy new equipment, y'see, and -"

The power crapped out.

Isshin's friends hollered. "Hey!" one cried. "Isshin, you got a backup system?"

Ichigo stared at the huge entertainment center that Isshin had whipped up. He counted. "Eight game systems?!"

Isshin grinned widely. "I'm collecting them all, hooked up to this monster 76 inch TV with surround sound! I'm still missing a Jaguar and Saturn, though. Got a nice deal on an N64 the other day..."

Candice groaned again, hands still resting on her swollen belly. "I-Isshin!" she cried. "L-let me get the power back on..."

Ichigo stepped aside, and Candice stuck her finger into an outlet.

She let out a whopping 1 watt.

"Uh..." Candice said with an embarassed giggle. "Ichigo, honey, I used up all my juice zappin' you back at home!"

Ichigo clutched at his face. "What are we gonna do?!" He'd fought hollows and arrancars and Soul Reapers... but this was the biggest challenge of all! The baby...!

"I... don't have a backup system," Isshin admitted. "Sank all my cash into this home entertainment center. So, uh..."

"Gee, I dunno. The Karakura general hospital?" came an annoyed voice. Karin emerged from down the stairs, with Yuzu peeking nervously from behind her sister's shoulder.

Isshin clapped his hands together, startling everyone. "Yes! I just had a good idea! The general hospital!"

Ichigo let his foot deliver the first half of his response. "Great. Let's go!"

Despite his kick-weary face, Isshin loaded his family into his van and floored it.

*o*o*o*o*

Ichigo couldn't resist; maybe he'd calm his nerves by sharing the exciting (and scary) news? On the drive to the hospital, he typed in his new status update into his phone's web browser. Instantly, Tatsuki, Orihime, Uryu, and Chad liked it, but Keigo responded with "what a coincidence! I'm at the hospital too!"

Ichigo stared in shock at the screen. _Don't tell me Keigo forgot the rubber with his latest lady escort?!_

He forgot all about it as he and Isshin helped Candice across the parking lot, and hospital staff hurried over and got her into a wheelchair. And once inside the hospital, Ichigo was surrounded with doctors, patients, pages on the intercom, and a few crying babies.

 _Now it's on!_

And on the way past the first hallway, Ichigo heard a familiar voice. "I-chi-gooooo! My man!"

Keigo Asano, despite what looked like a badly-sprained ankle, hopped off his bed and limped after Ichigo's party. "Look! I'm here, too! Good to see ya!"

"Kind of in a rush, Keigo!" Ichigo cried. "Dude...!"

"But I wanna see the baby!" Keigo insisted. "Have you guys decided on a name?"

Ichigo opened his mouth to respond but closed it again. They hadn't, actually. He changed topics. "What happened to you, bro?"

"Tried to skateboard over a bear in the zoo," Keigo answered.

"Looks like that went badly," Ichigo said as the party rounded a corner toward the maternity ward.

"No, I landed the stunt perfectly. Got a lot of cheers!"

"Huh? But your ankle -"

"I slipped on a banana peel while I was going to an ice cream stand to celebrate."

Ichigo couldn't even muster a response.

"Here we are, darling," a nurse said kindly, wheeling Candice into an available room. "A doctor will be in right away." She and the other nurse helped Candice into the bed, then hurried out.

Karin scowled at Keigo. "Why is this monkey in here with us?"

"Hey, I met some monkeys at the zoo," Keigo said defensively. "They're noble creatures."

Yuzu blinked. "You 'met' them?"

"I speak monkey." Keigo sounded impossibly proud of that "fact".

Candice cried out again. "It's almost here!" she wailed. "Where's that doctor?"

Ichigo took his wife's side and held her hand tightly. "We'll be all right, honey," he assured her. "As soon as -"

There was a great deal of indignant shouting in the hallway.

"Our friend's gonna crank out a baby! Outta the way!" came a familiar voice. A second later, both Giselle Gewelle and Meninas McAllon came raging into the room, surfing on gurneys.

"We won't miss our friend's big moment," Meninas said calmly. "Not for the world."

"So we invited ourselves in!" Giselle added happily.

Ichigo scowled. "The security around here must have gone to hell."

Giselle broadened her goofy grin. "No, we just used a few tripwires and nerve gas deal with 'em."

Karin edged her way out of the room. "I swear, the insanity around here is contagious."

Finally, a doctor and a nurse arrived. "Everyone clear out!" the doctor commanded, but no one budged. He winced. "Okay, no one clear out. But make room, at least!"

Everyone, even Keigo, backed away, and the doctor and nurse got to work. With Isshin's insistence.

"I'm a medical pro!" Isshin cried when the nurse gave him a death glare. "For real! Please?"  
Ichigo rolled his eyes. This day was going nothing like how he thought it would!

At least Candice was pulling through. Sternritters were tough, and Candice kept up with the doctor's and Isshin's directions. Just as Ichigo was going to fuss at Giselle for jumping up and down in excitement in such an annoying manner the whole time, he heard Isshin gasp in delight, followed by a high-pitched cry.

Candice flopped her head back down on her pillow, her mint-green hair damp with sweat. "Victory!" she declared.

"Congratulations," the doctor said as the nurse toweled the youingster dry. "A healthy baby boy!"

Giselle broke everyone's eardrums with her squeals of delight. "Ooooooh! Ooooooh! Let me hold him!"

Meninas knocked Giselle aside with her pinkie. "No, me!"

"I, uh... think the mother should -" the doctor started, until Candice wrapped her hands around around the baby and held him up to the light.

"I think he's got my eyes," she commented. She wrinkled her nose in concentration. "Or my eyebrows? It's kinda hard to tell..."

Isshin looked radiant. "And he's got your hair, Ichigo. A fine shade of orange, like... the rind of... an orange! Yeah!"

"Ever the poet," Karin grumbled. But even she couldn't hide her grin at seeing her nephew's first moments, as Yuzu was crying twice as much as the newborn.

"What about a name?" Giselle added. "Name him something cool! Like Spike!"

"No," Meninas argued. "Something classy! Something like Edward Charles Truffleshire III!"

"This ain't _Downton Abbey_ ," Keigo put in, fists on his hips. "You gotta name the baby after what it looks like! I name him... Monkey!"

"I think that name is taken," Yuzu said, scratching her head. "I might have met someone like that once..."

Candice beckoned, and her husband joined her. "We gotta choose quick," she said fondly. "I wanna call him by his name!"

Ichigo felt his heart race as he gave his son a good look. "I-I, uh... what about after Isshin's brother? Daisuke?"

Candice bit her lower lip. "I... dunno. Oh! We could name him Akira. I like that name."

Ichigo frowned. "I think that one's taken, too. Sounds more like a biker's name. What about..."

"Monkey!" Keigo repeated, and Karin dragged him out of the room and back to his actual room.

Ichigo's eyes widened and he touched his son's nose. "What about... Shiro, after my grandfather?"

There was a murmur of assent.

"Yeah!" Candice cheered. "I mean, I don't have much family to speak of -"

Giselle and Meninas looked mortified.

"Sorry!" Candice said quickly. "You're both sisters to me. But Shiro seemas good to me. It sounds... perfect." She lowered her son and kissed his forehead. "Welcome to the world, Shiro. There's all kinds of fun stuff here. Fast cars and cool sunglasses and fancy suits you can wear..."

Isshin cocked his head. "So... the Yakuza?"

Candice innocently touched a finger to her chin. "What's that?"

"Tetsuzaemon's crowd." Ichigo smiled and held Candice's hand tight. "But forget that. I'll go get you some dinner, okay?" He hissed her forehead. "I love you, Candice."

"Love you too, darling." Candice sighed with exhaustion and satisfaction, resting her head again on the pillow. "Me and Shiro will hang out in here." She waved to the small crowd. "Thanks for visiting, guys! It was fun!"

"Anytime!" Keigo said, peeking from around the doorframe until Karin dragged him back out of sight.

Ichigo escorted everyone back out and headed to the cafeteria.

He kept a careful eye out for banana peels.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 2**

Ichigo hid another yawn as he tried to focus in his Advanced Media Communication class at his community college, but darn it, the sleep goblins were tugging at his brain, trying to get him to doze off...

 _I need a vacation!_ Ichigo thought, then shook his head a a little too hard. He blinked. _No... this isn't about me. It's about my family! My energy-sapping family... no... I'm being a jerk... what do I do...?_

Orihime (who enrolled last semester) peeked over her shoulder again and gave Ichigo an encouraging smile that he weakly returned. He waved.

 _Are you okay?_ Orihime mouthed.

Ichigo nodded drowsily. Being a dad for six months had sure taken its toll... _No! Don't think that way about your family! So confusing..._

"...So, the decline of print media can also be attributed to the increasing use of -" the professor went on, writing on the chalkboard, until a loud _bang_ made him jump backwards and fall over with an "Ooof!"

Giselle paraded right in, a wide grin on her face, baby Shiro cradled in one arm as she waved hello with the other. "Good afternoon, classmate people!" she said way too loudly. "Don't mind me! Pay no attention to me, please!"

"Your volume contradicts that message," Meninas said peevishly as she also stepped into the room. "You should have let _me_ do this, Gigi."

 _Do what?_ Ichigo thought, twice as peevishly.

Giselle ignored the awkward stares as she marched past everyone, and she even offered Orihime a high five (which Orihime gave very half-heartedly). "Ichigo! Big man of the house!" Giselle said, somehow even louder. "Shiro's been acting up. Do somethin', will you?"

At all the noise, little Shiro started crying, and not for the first time today. Giselle promptly unloaded the agitated infant into Ichigo's arms and skipped back to the door. "Well, my job is done. I'm gettin' ice cream! C'mon, Minnie!"

Meninas, mercifully, stayed with Ichigo to explain. "Candi is exhausted. She's taking a nap," she said kindly. "Your son needs attention, okay? Bring him home when class is over."

Ichigo avoided eye contact with the furious professor. "I'm in class!" he hissed. "Why can't you -?"

Meninas went pink and tapped her fingertips together. "Candi fired us as babysitters," she admitted. "A combination of duct tape, fireworks, steak sauce, and rubber ducks ended very badly."

Ichigo raised his voice over Shiro's crying. "What the hell were you stooges doing?!" He winced. "Sorry."

"In short, only Shiro's daddy can help," Meninas said, giving Ichigo a pat on the head. "Best of luck! See you after class." And she skipped off, Giselle-style.

With both Sternritters gone, all the attention converged on Ichigo and his son. He hastily tried to shush Shiro, but it was no good. And he saw a shadow pass over him as the professor towered over him.

"Get outta here, Kurosaki," the prof demanded. "Your attendance has been sloppy, and you doze in class all the time. Now this?"

"I have a lot on my plate, okay?" Ichigo snapped. In his arms, Shiro balled his pudgy hands into fists as he bawled.

"This is your last warning, Kurosaki. Once more incident, and I'm dropping you from the class." The prof jabbed his finger at the door. "Move it."

Ichigo crammed his stuff into his backpack, got a more secure hold on Shiro, and stormed out, unwilling to look anyone in the face.

What the hell! He was so close to his two-year arts degree... and now it was slipping away like... sand between his fingers, or... water in a sieve... what was a good simile for this...?

Damn, he was tired.

Ichigo headed to the nearest men's restroom for privacy and to check Shiro's diaper; it was clean. So, what was the problem? He cooed his son and gently rocked him in his arms, but the crying's volume barely went down a notch. What to do? Why couldn't he figure this out?!

The door creaked open and Orihime, wearing an unusually determined look, strode right in and borrowed Shiro. "I thought I'd find you in here," she said. "This is the closest bathroom with a baby changing station, I mean."

Ichigo leaned against a sink, running a hand over his face. "Whew, am I glad to see you." His eyes widened. "You walked out of class for me?"

Orihime nodded. "Ichigo, we're friends. I'd do anything for you and little Shiro. Isn't that right, you handsome little guy?" she cooed, and Shiro calmed down a bit, then some more. The infant finally looked relaxed, and he reached up to touch Orihime's nose.

"If Yuzu and Karin weren't around, I'd for sure make you his godmother," Ichigo said with weary gratitude.

Orihime beamed. "Thank you!"

"Doesn't help that Giselle and Meninas made themselves his _un_ official godmothers," Ichigo went on. "They've been free from the Wandenreich for years, and they're still hangin' out around Karakura Town? Isn't anywhere else they can be so I can _have some peace?!"_

Shiro winced and gurgled at Ichigo's harsh tone, and Ichigo sighed again. He turned and rested his hands on the link, head bowed. "I can't figure this out."

"The hot water tap is the left one, cold on the right," Orihime explained.

Ichigo stared at her over his shoulder. "That's not what I -!"

"Sorry, couldn't resist." Orihime calmed Shiro back down, and the baby boy closed his vivid green eyes. "But really... parenting is hard work, Ichigo! Give it time. You're not a bad person."

Ichigo tapped a fist on his thigh. "I can't keep up with my classes, Orihime. I used to be a model student! I can't find time to study. I'm screwing up at work -"

"At that department store?"

"Yeah." Ichigo clenched his teeth. "I can't focus on anything. I dunno what I'm even doing. I can't... _do_ this."

"Ichigo..."

Ichigo sighed. "I've got one more class today before I get home at 4:00. Could I ask you to, uh..."

Orihime smiled again. "Watch over Shiro? Of course, silly! I'll give him back when you're ready to drive home."

"You're a lifesaver. Did I ever mention that?"

"You did. And I'm still happy to help."

"Okay. See you both later." Ichigo shuffled out of the bathroom and down the hall. He felt like he'd left something behind in the bathroom, and not just Shiro.

*o*o*o*o*

"Mmmmmmmm! Uryu has the _best_ recipes, darling." Candice dug into her chicken salad that evening at the dining table, her usual candles lighted, and the usual classic music playing on Ichigo's Xbox music player. She smiled and jabbed her fork deeper into her salad. "Hey, aren't you gonna eat yours? Cat got your tongue? And I don't mean Yoruichi."

Ichigo blinked and speared a grilled chicken bit onto his fork and nudged it into his mouth. "I-I'm fine." He swallowed. "I hope your day was better than mine, Candice."

"It was great!" Candice smiled and motioned around the room with her salad-laden fork. "It's my first week back at work and I'm having so much fun! Uryu likes to say that I'm 'scatterbrained and impulsive', but I take those as compliments."

Ichigo managed a quick smile. Having Uryu and Candice as co-workers at a high-end tailoring shop resulted in more fireworks than those in Giselle's secret stash.

"So, I tried to mix and match some hot colors for this salaryman today," Candice added. "This was right when I went in for my shift. Red suit jacket, yellow vest, and blue shirt with green stripes! He looked like an old sci-fi character!"

Ichigo could think of an old show with a time-traveling character dressed like that. He mutely nodded.

"But after lunch, I got pretty tired," Candice said innocently, "and Uryu got tired of _me_ , so I went home, fed Shiro from his bottle, and took my nap." She took another bite. "Don't even _ask_ what Gigi wanted to do with Shiro earlier today. What an idea... that's _not_ what water slides are for!"

Ichigo nodded again. "Glad everything turned out okay, honey." He loved seeing his wife's radiant smile, but damn, he hoped she wouldn't turn her attention to -

"So, how was _your_ day? Have fun at class?"

Ichigo felt his stomach knot up. "Uh..." he glanced away. "Not really. Got kicked out of class when Giselle and Meninas handed me Shiro. Orihime took care of him for the rest of the day."

Candice made a face. "Gigi and Minnie have no boundaries, do they?! I keep tellin' them, they're not the godmothers!"

"Orihime was the real parent today," Ichigo commented, toying with his salad. "She's pretty great."

Candice made a sympathetic noise, and she reached across the table to take her husband's hand. "Come on, don't say that about yourself..."

Ichigo squeezed Candice's hand. "Well, I mean, I'm trying to to juggle work and class and Shiro, but Orihime picked up the slack. I didn't do much good today." He glanced at his son in his high chair, and the orange-haired boy touched his lower lip with his finger much like his mother did.

Candice made a sly smile. "Feeling down in the dumps, darling?"

"I... um..."

"Stay right there." Candice got up, walked around the table, and gently took hold of Ichigo's head in her hands. "Want to feel a little better, Ichigo?"

Ichigo made an embarassed chuckle. "Oh, I suppose..."

"C'mon, the music is sweet." Candice kissed Ichigo's cheek and let out a tantalizing zap. "I've got something sweet for you, too..." she breathed into his ear.

Ichigo felt himself flush and his spine tingled. "Honey... I -"

"Come here." Candice held Ichigo's hand and led him to their leather couch, where she threw him onto his back and climbed atop him. She unbuttoned her blouse, and her sweaty cleavage jiggled right in Ichigo's face. "It's been long enough since Shiro was born. I checked with out doctor, y'know. Don't you _want_ me?"

Ichigo smiled. "I-I always want you, Candice. I just had a bad day, that's all. I just feel kinda overwhelmed, and -"

Candice planted her lips on his as she undid Ichigo's belt. "I'm sorry to hear that, darling. You can tell me more about it later... after some of _this_." She tore off Ichigo's shirt and sighed as she ran her tongue along his skin. She let out more tingling zaps.

Ichigo felt himself stiffen as Candice savored his flesh. "H-hey, Shiro's right over there in the kitchen..."

Candice tossed her green hair. "Then we'll keep things at second-and-a-half base. How's that sound?"

Ichigo smiled again at Candice's use of their special make-out phrase. "Damn, I love you." He felt his heart thump excitedly in his chest as he slipped off Candice's blouse, and he reached around and unfastened her lacy pink bra. Candice sighed with delight as Ichigo gently fondled her bare breasts, her sweaty skin slick under his fingertips.

"Shiro's gonna get lonely," Ichigo panted as Candice started grinding her hips against his groin. "Let's make it fast, okay?"

Candice unzipped Ichigo's jeans as the fabric of her short skirt got bunched up under her curvy hips. "Sure, I can do that. Lean your head back."

Ichigo obeyed, and he felt Candice kiss and nibble on his neck with just enough playful force, her nipples brushing against his bare chest. He felt himself get wrapped up in the moment; this was no time to think about Giselle or bad parenting or his bad grades! It was the Candice Kurosaki Sexy Fun Time Magic at work again, and it pushed everything else out of his mind.

Then he decided, hell... might as well get to third base after all. He eagerly reached under Candice's skirt and fiddled with the fabric of her panties, easing the garment down her legs.

Candice moaned wih delight and threw her head back. "Ohhhhh, you naughty boy!"

"You want some?" Ichigo huffed, his fingers ready.

"Y-yeah! Quick!"

Everything else, all that other stuff on Ichigo's mind, would definitely have to wait.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 3**

Ichigo actually felt himself nodding off a bit as he lounged on the stuffed leather couch one evening, and with Candice leaning against him with Shiro on her lap, Ichigo was sure he'd conk out at any second now. Meanwhile, the _National Geographic_ show was getting a bit dull, so Ichigo switched the channel to a cooking show, then to some crappy reality TV show (like most of them), then a made-for-TV movie. Eh, good enough.

"Tired?" Ichigo toyed with a strand of Candice's vivid green hair with a smile.

"Mmmmmmmm." Candice snuggled up closer, sighing through her nose. "What time's it?"

"9:42."

"What? So late already?!" Candice squawked.

Ichigo burst out laughing. "Back when we were dating, that was just the _start_ of the evening!"

Candice groaned, and in her arms, Shiro babbled something. "Oh, I remember those days, darling. Now's the time when we can slack off and get away with it."

Ichigo stretched and felt himself wake up a bit. "Yeah, that's all I need. Feels good, doesn't it?"

Candice giggled. "We really should get out more."

"What d'you have in mind?"

"Uh, well..." Candice gently rubbed Shiro's head. "How about somewhere baby-friendly."

"The park?"

"How about a dog park! We could have Shiro ride on big dog like it's a pony!"

Ichigo snorted with laughter. "I'd have to buy him a little Stetson hat."

"That would look really cute on him," Candice agreed fondly. She sat up, blinked, and then leaned against the couch's arm. "Give me a second, darling. Just gonna... gonna..."

She started snoring. Shiro giggled.

"Honey? You asleep?" Ichigo gently shook Candice's shoulder, but she was out like a rock. A rock doped up on cough syrup! She was always a heavy sleeper, total koala mode. Well, why not follow her example. Ichigo reclined on the couch, only half-watching the movie, his mind whirring.

 _I can't remember the last time I felt this relaxed,_ Ichigo thought, but at the same time, he felt a chill as he remembered the burdens weighing down on him. He had been late for work again today; one more slip-up, his manager had said loudly, and Ichigo's sorry arse was outta there for good. And he had two overdue essays for class, and he hadn't returned any of Isshin's or Orihime's calls... they'd be ticked off if he kept forgetting them and all they'd done for him...

Ichigo ran his hands over his face. _Crap, I sure can't relax now. Maybe I'll have a 5-hour energy drink and catch up on those essays before bed. Or -_

There was a horribly familiar clicking sound at the door, then it burst open like a jack-in-the-box.

"Goooooood evening, Ichigo!" Giselle Gewelle hooted like a game show host. She skipped right inside, an amused Meninas right behind her. "What's the word, baby daddy?"

Ichigo sat upright, eyes narrowed. "I told you not to pick my locks! Or interrupt me at all! Or call me things like 'baby daddy!'"

Giselle giggled and handed Meninas back her hairpin. "Sorry, the silly things you say go in one ear and out the other. You know how it is."

"Whatever." Ichigo stood and muted the TV. "To what do I owe this unwelcome surprise?"

Meninas faked a hurt look. "That's no way to talk to the baby's godmothers -"

Ichigo pointed an accusing finger. " _Un_ official godmothers!"

"Close enough," Giselle argued, which wasn't remotely true. "Look, you and Candi are in a total slump! We're gonna fix that."

Ichigo felt wary, like a caged tiger at the circus. "Fix what?"

Meninas held out two square sheets of paper. "Gigi and I have been playing sex position bingo for you and Candi. But you both haven't been doing it for the last week and a half!"

"Bingo..." Ichigo cocked his head, then felt his anger crank up to the max. "What, d'you spy on us and mark off squares for how we -"

Giselle held up a finger. "It's self-explanatory, berry boy. But we can't finish our game if you and Candi don't do the nasty!"

"There's nothing nasty about making love with my wife," Ichigo retorted. "We just -" He jolted. "I don't have to explain this to you wackos! Get outta here!"

Meninas smiled. "Now, how can you just shoo away Shiro's godmothers like that?"

" _Un_ official -!"

Giselle wandered over and took hold of Candice's shoulders. She shook hard. "Candi! Wake up, missy! Don't you wanna jump Ichigo's bones? In particular, in the reverse cowgirl position?"

Meninas looked outraged. "Gigi! How dare you!"

Relieved, Ichigo took Meninas' side. "Yeah! Not your business, Giselle!"

Meninas giggled. "No, I mean Gigi needs to fill the 'reverse cowgirl' square to win the bingo game. She's cheating!"

Ichigo made an exasperated noise and dragged Giselle away from his wife. "That's it. You ladies are outta here!"

"Not until we wake Candi up," Giselle argued, breaking free of Ichigo's grip. "You both are totally taking your marriage for granted. We were listening in, y'know. Lazing around with the TV, talking about dog parks and stuff... no! Put the spice back in that marriage!"

"I agree, things have gotten dull for you and Candi lately," Meninas added, hands on her hips. "I know there's a toned Greek god in you, Ichigo. Where did he go?"

Ichigo was ready to tear his hair out. "You're so damned nosy! And such control freaks! And..." He felt light-headed and let out a sigh. "I can't even stay angry. I'm so tired. And I have all kinds of problems building up. I can't juggle all this work in my life."

Meninas stared. "What...?"

Ichigo waved a hand. "Forget it. That just slipped out. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to... and it somehow ended up being you two!"

Giselle clapped her hands together and let out a laugh. "Well, that's easy, then! We just gotta cheer you up, berry boy." She marched right back over to Candice, set Shiro aside, and gently slapped Candice's cheeks. "Wake up! C'mon!"

Ichigo scowled. "Hey, don't -"

Giselle tugged on Candice's ears and knocked her knuckles on her head, but still, no response. So, Giselle tried to hoist her friend upright and get her to stand up... but like a slack scarecrow, Candice slumped back down, sprawled on her back, green hair askew.

"She's so peaceful like this," Giselle commented. "So innocent... we gotta tease her awake!" She got a wicked grin on her face and cupped Candice's breasts in her hands, kneading and squeezing. "Mmmmmmm... you like that, honey? It's me, Ichigo! I wanna do you all night!"

Ichigo started forward until Meninas seized his upper arms with her formidable strength. "Hey! Lemme go!" Ichigo cried. But still, as he watched Giselle's hands caress Candice's breasts like bread dough, he felt his face go warm, and his pants grew a little taut...

"Like it, Candi?" Giselle cooed.

Ichigo snapped himself out of it. "Get Giselle off of her, will you, Meninas?"

"Gigi, that's not gonna work," Meninas said, just as Giselle started to reach under Candice's short skirt. "Let's try the trump card!"

Giselle gasped with delight and reached out her hands. "Gimme!"

Ichigo could only stare as Meninas let go of one arm to toss Giselle a small red bottle.

"A little pick-me-up, Ichigo!" Giselle announced. "Meninas, hit the lights! We're doin' this!"

Meninas flicked on the kitchen lights and dragged Ichigo to the table. "The aphrodisiac tastes pretty good, you know," she said kindly. "Like sugary cherries!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "You're gonna _drug_ me into sleeping with my wife?"

Giselle approached, the open bottle in hand. "It's _very_ effective, Ichigo. Trust me!"

A lightbulb switched on over Ichigo's head. "Prove it, then."

Giselle paused. "Do what now?"

"Show me, Giselle. If it's so great -"

"Just a bit, then!" Giselle took a sip from the bottle, and her pupils dilated and her breath caught in her throat. Then she downed the rest and smacked her lips. "Ooooooohhh... that's good..."

Giselle threw herelf on Ichigo, mashing her lips against his, slick with excited saliva. She reached down and undid Ichigo's belt and zipper, her eager hands going everywhere.

Ichigo broke himself free from both girls. "What the hell!"

Meninas made an embarassed smile. "Gigi, you took too much -"

"Who cares!" Giselle slipped off her top and tossed it onto Ichigo's head. "You're lookin' good tonight, Ichigo! C'mere, and see what I taste like!"

Ichigo scrambled to toss aside Giselle's top, his face red. "Hey, you -!"

Giselle strutted to Ichigo and tackled him to the floor, her hands pinning down his shoulders. "Take it off," she panted, and she lowered herself a bit more, jiggling her breasts in Ichigo's face. "Quick!"

Ichigo squirmed. "Y-your bra? But -"

Meninas hurried over. "I'll help," she offered.

"Thanks," Ichigo started, until Meninas unhooked Giselle's bra and backed away. Ichigo sputtered. "Help _her_?"

"Think of this as breakin' your dry spell," Giselle huffed, her cheeks red. "Just once, okay? I'm really good at this!"

She was actually pretty clumsy, though, as she yanked off Ichigo's shirt and slid his jeans a few inches down his legs. Giselle cupped her bare, perky breasts in her hands, salivating the whole time. "C'mon, I know I don't have a killer rack like Candi, but you want some, don't ya?"

Ichigo reached out to Meninas in desperation. "Do something, Meninas! Can't you use The Power to get her off me?"

"I can do _one_ thing." Meninas knelt by Ichigo, tenderly took his head in her hands, and kissed him good. Really good! "Ooooooh, that's nice, Ichigo. Candi is one lucky girl."

Ichigo made a face. "Traitor! You were supposed to help me!"

"Gigi is right, y'know," Meninas said with a giggle. "Candi is asleep. Let us help you get back in top shape!"

"Hell yeah," Giselle panted. She planted her mouth on Ichigo again and mashed her bare breasts on his chest, her nipples hardening the whole time, her skin slippery with sweat. Giselle ran her hands along Ichigo's shoulders and chest, her fingers trembling.

 _Whoa. She's got even more energy than Candice!_ Ichigo felt himself rise to the occasion in spite of himself. "H-hey," he gasped. "Candi's gonna kick your ass if she finds out -"

"Oh, she's got an understanding with us," Giselle said evasively. "Just third base at the most, okay? Candi won't mind!"

"But.. are you sure...?" Ichigo let his voice trail off as Giselle totally whipped off his jeans and ran her hands down his lower abdomen and around his groin, ever so tenderly. Her fingers were light and delicate on his boxer briefs, savoring the tensed fabric.

Giselle smiled wider and took hold of Ichigo's wrists, and she made him take hold of her white skirt and slip it down her legs and toss it aside. Only her black leggings were left...!

Ichigo stared, his heart thumping in his throat. "N-no panties?"

"What the hell do I need panties for?" Giselle lowered herself again and ran her hand along Ichigo's crotch. "Are we gonna get to third base, or what?"

"But... I don't...!"

"You're right. I get some first!" Giselle moaned as she guided one of Ichigo's hands to her knee and up her thigh, his fingers light on the black fabric. Ichigo felt himself quiver as Giselle escorted Ichigo's hand over her curvy hip and closer to her crotch, her flesh glistening and damp, her body heaving. Ichigo's fingers were so close now -

A dazzling white arrow knocked Giselle aside and she tumbled clumsily across the kitchen tiles. "Whoa!" she said happily.

Candice stood there, eyes spitting fire, a smoking Quincy bow in her hands. "Get the hell off my darling Ichigo, Gigi!" she roared. "I know intent when I see it! You weren't gonna stop at third base, were you?!"

Giselle giggled and got up, still totally naked except for her leggings. She made no effort to cover herself. "Candi, what's the matter? We had a pact!"

"Yeah, well, I'm changin' the terms." Candice tossed her green hair and drew another arrow. "I can smell the aphrodisiac on you, but that's not an excuse to force yourself on my darling! Get outta here already!"

Meninas shrank back. "What about me...?"

"She helped trap me," Ichigo explained.

Candice made an indignant noise. "You too, Minnie! Hit the road!"

Giselle made a theatric sigh. "Okay, okay. Sorry." She left her clothes on the floor and shuffled off to the open front door. "Let's get going, Minnie. Let's go see a movie or something."

Looking confused, Meninas gave Candice an apologetic look and hurried off to join her friend in the apartment hallway. "But you're still naked, Gigi."

"So?" Giselle ran a hand down her chest. "It's dark the in the theater. No one will mind! I'm sure of it!"

The two girls zoomed away on hirenkyaku, still debating general rules about clothes and movie threaters.

Candice shut the door, undid her bow, and scooped up Shiro. "There there, mommy's crazy sisters are gone now," she cooed, holding Shiro up to her face with a smile. "Some girls are wild, Shiro. Remember that!"

Shiro giggled and touched his mom's nose.

"So, Ichigo." Candice lowered Shiro and held him against her chest. "Giselle didn't... I mean, did she...?"

"N-no! Nothing happened!" Ichigo said frantically, throwing his clothes back on. "Really! I'm sorry, I should have stopped her, or thrown her out the door, or something... I... I..."

Candice made a sympathetic noise and touched Ichigo's upper arm. "It's all right, darling. Gigi's the naughty one, not you. Well... you're naughty too, but in all the _right_ ways." She smiled and kissed Ichigo's cheek.

Ichigo felt his face warm, and this time he liked it. "Good to know. But damn, my heart's still beating so fast..." As he spoke, he watched Shiro giggle again and glance around with his big green eyes. _Wacko as she is, maybe Giselle had a point... when was the last time I made some real time for myself and Candice?_

He cleared his throat and took Candice's free hand. "Why don't we go up to the petting zoo tomorrow and have a nice family outing? I think we've gotten kinda lazy lately..."

Candice beamed. "Okay!"

She led Ichigo through the short hallway and into Shiro's bedroom, where she lay him in his expensive crib. "I think we _all_ need a good night's sleep. Don't you?"

"Hell yeah."

*o*o*o*o*

"Oh, the llamas were _adorable_!" Candice raved as the three Kurosakis headed out the exit gate to the sunlit petting zoo. "I think Shiro liked them best. Didn't you, Shiro?" she added. In his stroller, Shiro made a happy noise, looking all around, his orange hair ruffling in the breeze.

Ichigo grinned, hands in his jeans pockets. "I thought the lambs were pretty cuddly, too."

"Oh, yeah! I forgot all about them!" Candice realized. "I just wanted to take one home, just like _that_!" She sighed happily as other families milled around them with their giggling and laughing kids. "You were right. We _did_ need to get out a little more."

"Thanks, hon." Ichigo checked his watch. "How about we stop by somewhere on the drive back for a snack or something?"

"All righty." At the car, Candice settled Shiro into his booster seat and patted his head. "You know what, Ichigo? I just might forgive Giselle and Meninas if they say they're _really_ sorry for last night. I mean, they _do_ love Shiro, and they're convenient babysitters if Orihime or your sisters aren't free to help..."

Ichigo grinned. "Well, maybe. If they do us a bunch of favors or something, I guess we could give 'em another shot." Then he felt his phone vibrate.

"Hang on a sec." Ichigo checked the screen: one voicemail, from... his manager? He held the phone to his ear and played back the message.

 _"I dunno what's gotten into you, Kurosaki, but if you're gonna miss work like this... look, you're done, kid. You've had too many tardies and and absences. I need employees who work! Good luck out there."_ The message ended.

Ichigo felt his stomach clench in sudden horror. "Uh-oh... Candice, honey, is today Tuesday or Wednesday?"

Candice looked up from her peekaboo game with Shiro. "Wednesday. Why? What's the matter, darling?"

Ichigo felt numb as he held up his phone for emphasis. His couldn't look his wife in the eye. "I missed another shift at work. I... I got fired."


	4. Chapter 4

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 4**

Ichigo wanted to call it "The Twelve Labors of Hercules" (thanks, college), but Candice, with a glint in her eyes and her hands on her hips, had set both Giselle and Meninas on an errand trip... from hell! Wash the car! (no naughtiness with soap allowed) Clean out the apartment! (check their pockets for stolen stuff) Do our tax forms! (legibly, mind you) Do the shopping! (and not just for desserts) And more and more, until Candice and Ichigo, while Giselle and Meninas panted and lay on the floor in exhaustion, checked off the last item on their list.

"All done," Ichigo declared to repentant Sternritter girls (at least, they looked that way). He glanced at Candice, who smiled and nodded.

"Okay, you're both back on babysitting duty," Candice said, gently bobbing Shiro in her arms up and down. The boy giggled. "Congrats."

"We did it!" Giselle raised her fists in triumph as she and Meninas stood. "Minnie, I get to go first!"

Meninas made a face. "Why you? You were naughtier with Ichigo last week. _I_ get Shiro first!"

"You're boring," Giselle shot back, sticking her tongue out. "I'm more creative! I'm the best!"

Meninas answered with a punch of The Power, and Giselle crashed right onto the couch in a heap.

"... Minnie, you're so mean..." Giselle groaned as she weakly held up a little white flag in surrender. What was she doing, carrying that around, anyway?

Candice helped Giselle up. "Actually, we're all going to the park. It's so nice outside today," she said happily. "It's been chilly the last few days. I'd like some fresh air!"

Giselle clapped her hands together and patted Shiro's head. "Hear that, little guy? We're gonna play fetch! And Ultimate Frisbee! And flirt with joggers in booty shorts!"

Ichigo dragged Giselle away from his son by the ear. "He's not a dog, he's too weak to throw a Frisbee, and he'll _one day_ be a ladies' man, but not today."

"Oh, that's not true," Giselle said in a scheming tone, her eyes dancing. "I bet Shiro really takes after his daddy, the studly star of Karakura Town! I can already see it!"

Ichigo made a face, a vein standing out in his forehead. "You're not gonna sway me _that_ easily!"

Meninas clapped a hand over Giselle's mouth. "What she _means_ to say is, we're happy to play with Shiro in the park. Let's go!"

"Mmm-hmm-hmm mmmm!" Giselle argued from behind Meninas' hand.

Ichigo didn't find that convincing.

*o*o*o*o*

"Well, look at that. Gigi _did_ get her game of Ultimate Frisbee!"

Candice smiled as she pushed Shiro along in his stroller down the park path, watching as Giselle tossed the blue plastic disc with local teenagers in the open grass.

Ichigo, with his hands in his pockets, nodded. "Maybe she'll burn off that energy and be easier to control after that. I could use the break."

Candice burst out laughing. "Sometimes, Gigi is more of a handful than Shiro!" She looked down and cooed at her son, "Am I right, Shiro? Is Aunt Gigi a huge pain in the butt?"

Shiro made a noise and waved his arms. That seemed like a yes.

"Whew." Ichigo and breathed in a lungful of clean park air. He sighed it out again, wondering vaguely if one could meditate while walking.

Candice was quiet for a moment. Then: "Darling?"

"Uh-huh?"

"If you're still, um... feeling down, you can talk to me. You know that, right?"

"Y-yeah," Ichigo said too quickly. "I'm fine."

Candice made a sympathetic noise. "You've got your zombie walk going on."

Ichigo tensed. He used to have a "storm face" that Candice recognized when he was upset. Now, he apparently walked stiffly whenever he was... well...

He swallowed. "Job hunt isn't too hot so far."

Candice took a hand off the stroller to clasp it on her husband's shoulder. She squeezed. "You'll find something. I _know_ it, darling. You're so smart and cool, and responsible! I know _I'd_ hire you in an instant." She made a naughty smile.

Ichigo cracked a watery grin. "Why, so we could make out in the stock room?"

"Yeah!"

"Where do I sign, Ms. Manager?"

Candice giggled. "How about you sign right _here_." She leaned over and kissed Ichigo sweetly (and kinda wetly) on the lips. "Do we have a deal?"

Ichigo gently rubbed a finger on his lips. "I think so."

But he fell quiet again as they walked along the curving path and passed a pond, where kids chased after frogs and small snakes along the shore. The sun was pretty warm on Ichigo's back, and he tried to relax and focus on that, and on the chirp of the frogs, and the shouts and laughs of the Frisbee game...

He _should_ feel better, right? The leaden weight in his stomach, though, stubbornly refused to budge. Ichigo pursed his lips, glancing at Candice every so often, who seemed totally carefree here, which was what _he_ should be doing...

"C... Candice, honey..." Ichigo started slowly.

"Perfect timing! Hooray!" Giselle sprinted over to intercept them and tossed the Frisbee back to her friends. She wiped her brow. "I get Shiro now!"

Ichigo skidded to a halt. "Whoa, where did you come from -?"

Meninas glided over on hirenkyaku, her pink hair buffeted in the wind. "Me too, Gigi!" she insisted. "We said we'd watch him together. Team effort!"

Giselle saluted. "Roger that! Candi, it's godmother time!"

" _Un_ official godmothers," Ichigo reminded them for the bazillionth time, but he stood back as Giselle took hold of Shiro's stroller handles and mimed revving up a motorcycle. Then she sprinted off with the stroller at lightspeed, Shiro giggling, Meninas gliding alongside them.

Ichigo watched them go. "I've already got a funny feeling about this."

"Oh, I'll just raise my objections in arrow form if they misbehave," Candice said soothingly. "Come on." She took hold of Ichigo's shoulders and steered him to a wooden bench under a blossom tree, and she sat beside him. She kept hold of his shoulders. "Ichigo..."

"What is it?"

Candice's expression softened, her eyes imploring him. "Darling, _please_ tell me what's going on."  
"N-nothing's going -"

"Is too," Candice told him. "I could sense it in your spiritual pressure, but more importantly..." She lay her head on Ichigo's shoulder. "I could sense it in _you_. Can't you tell me what's wrong?"

Ichigo stiffened, aware that he was gonna stay here until he gave some answers. _She cares about you, man,_ a voice in his head told him. _Open up already! Jeez!_

Ichigo sighed through his nose. "It's, uh... well, I'm just stressed out, honey. But I have no right to complain. You've got your hands full too, with taking care of Shiro, and your own job, and handling Giselle and Meninas..."

"I know, raising a baby is hard work, like those books said," Candice said gently into Ichigo's shoulder. "But look how happy Shiro is! And he loves his daddy!"

"I..." Ichigo tried to phrase his thoughts into better shape, but damn, it was tough. "I just feel like I oughta be better, Candice. I got fired! I've never screwed up at work before. And I'm gonna fail two of my classes if I don't do something drastic! And I can never calm Shiro down or take care of him unless someone else takes over." He lay his hand on Candice's thigh to reassure himself. "When Shiro was born, I was sure I could juggle all this. But I don't think I can."

Candice made another sympathetic noise, and she ran her hands along Ichigo's back and chest. "Now, that's not the confident and studly Ichigo I know! Beating yourself up like this..."

Ichigo shook his head. "I don't want to be petty! I want to be better. But I can't stop thinking these things, honey. I'm losing my grip on work, class, Shiro, my own peace of mind... I dunno what to do."

"Darling." Candice took Ichigo's head in her hands and kissed him again, this time more tenderly, this time saying things with her lips that she didn't need to say out loud. Then, Candice leaned over and eased Ichigo onto his back on the bench, and she half lay, half knelt over him.

Candice traced a finger down Ichigo's lips in a shushing gesture. "I married a confident and proud man, Ichigo, and you have to bring him back to me, okay? Please?"

Ichigo swallowed and fought a nervous grin. "W-well, I, uh..." He felt his heart race at the way Candice pressed her body against him, how she sat right over his navel, her hands holding down his chest, her green hair spilling over her shoulders -

Candice snapped her head back up and went red in the face. "GIGI!"

Ichigo sprang to his feet once Candice took off running. "What the ...?"

Then he saw it.

The balloon adventure!

"Look! He's taking flight!" Meninas pointed up with a big smile. "Isn't that amazing?"

Way up in the air, Shiro babbled and giggled as his stroller took flight from the hundred balloons tied to the handles. Higher and higher he went, gliding on the wind, and everyone stopped to stare and point in wonder.

Ichigo clutched his heart. _Crap! This is like that Pixar movie with the balloon house... I think it had a long and weird name... I can't remember it...!_

Giselle jumped up and down, waving her arms. "Up he goes! Shiro's first adventure, hands-free!"

Candice tackled Giselle to the grass. "Get him down, Gigi! Now!"

"How? Shiro's taking flight!" Giselle cheered.

Ichigo ran after the balloon-propelled stroller, but darn it, he couldn't reach! "SHIRO!" he cried. Up in the sky, his son giggled again.

"Oh, fine!" Candice manifested her Quincy bow, took careful aim, and fired.

Missed!  
"Mommy, that girl has a magic bow!" a young boy cried, pointing at Candice. "Hey, can I fly on balloons too? Please?"

The boy's mom hauled him off. "That's it. We're moving away," she muttered.

Now Giselle tackled Candice to the ground. "No, Candi!" she hooted. "Let Shiro spread his wings and fly!"

Candice squirmed under her friend. "You're...such...a...freak!" she roared. With a burst of strength, she broke free and took aim, and fired another arrow.

This time, the arrow tore through half the balloons, and Shiro's stroller glided downwards and to the west, right toward a creek and large cluster of trees. Other people and dogs in the park fled to get out of the way as the stroller continued on its dramatic trajectory. Then it glided into the trees and vanished from sight.

 _No, no, no, NO!_ Ichigo sprinted after his son's last known position, fists pumping at his sides. He and the others didn't stop rooting through the forest (pun not intended) until Candice finally found Shiro's landing zone.

Candice cut off the last of the balloons and picked up Shiro to hold him in her arms. "Minnie! Gigi!" she demanded. "Why -!"

"GET OUTTA HERE!" Ichigo roared, stomping toward Giselle and Meninas, pointing wildly. "Get away from my wife and son! _Now_!"

Meninas jumped. "B-but -"

Ichigo cut her off. "Don't you come near my family again, you psychos! _Go_!"

At least Meninas managed half an apologetic look, as opposed to Giselle's shrug, as the two girls skipped out of the forest together. Once clear, they zoomed away on hirenkyaku, drawing even more amazed looks from other park visitors.

Ichigo panted from adrenaline and fury until he wiped his brow and forced himself to relax. "I'm sorry. But -" He sat on a tree stump and stared at the ground. "I need a vacation, don't I?"

Candice put Shiro back in his balloon-free stroller, then offered her hand. Ichigo took it and let Candice pull him back to his feet. "Darling," Candice said, and she wrapped Ichigo in a tight hug. "I'll deal with Gigi and Minnie, okay? Let's just go home, and I'll make you some tea."

Ichigo wasn't sure what to do after that, but he smiled at his wife's suggestion. "That sounds... thanks, honey."

*o*o*o*o*

Giselle and Meninas kept their distance the next day, but fortunately, Candice had _other_ gal-pals, and when Ichigo answered a knock at the door while Candice was working at the tailor shop, he found Orihime standing there.

"Ichigo!" Without the slightest hesitation, she threw himself onto him in a big, friendly hug that bordered on glomping. "How are you? Candice told me you had a free afternoon today..."

"Yeah," Ichigo said, returning her hug, but more gently. "No class today. And I sure as hell don't have that job anymore..."

Orihime let him go and smiled. "And how is Shiro doing? Can I see him?"

"Yeah, come in." Ichigo waited until Orihime changed into guest house slippers, and led her to the nursery. At once, Orihime's eager hands scooped up Shiro and she held him up.

"What a big boy!" Orihime said brightly. "He's gotten so big, so fast... I remember when he was born, he was kinda little... such good health and vitality! And stamina! And... I'm running out of synonyms..."

Ichigo made a small grin, hands in his pockets. "Healthy as a horse."

"Oh! I forgot that one! Silly me." Orihime patted Shiro's head and put him back into the wood-frame crib. She turned to Ichigo. "Anyway... I had a nice talk with Candice and her friends -"

"O-oh yeah?" Ichigo suddenly felt rather defensive...

Orihime pointed at him. "It's all right. No need to look so alarmed, Ichigo! In fact, I've got an idea."

"It doesn't involve re-enactions of _Up_ , does it? Can't believe I forgot that movie's name..."

"Nope. Even better." Orihime's smile widened. "We both care a lot about you, Ichigo. And sometimes, tough love is what you need."

Ichigo raised his eyebrows. "Orihime, you're a great friend, but tough love isn't exactly what you -"

"Not _me_ , sillyhead." Orihime took hold of Ichigo's shoulders. "First chance we get, I'm taking you all to see Rukia and Renji!"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 5**

"Orihime, you have the best ideas! I love you!"

Candice threw herself onto Orihime the minute she came back home. Orihime made a nervous smile and waited for Candice to let go, but the moment didn't come.

"I-I just wanted to do something nice for my friends," Orihime choked out in Candice's python-like grip. "Th-that's what friends are for, right?"

"Yeah, I think a change of scenery would do us all some good," Ichigo said wearily while he held Shiro in his arms. "It's been a crazy past couple of weeks." More than weeks, actually...!

"Gosh, I haven't been to the Soul Society in years," Orihime realized. She had since given up trying to escape Candice's arms. "I wonder if the food is still good?"

Candice, meanwhile, nuzzled her face into Orihime's neck. "Mmmmm, I'm sure it's fine."

Ichigo scratched his head. "So, Candice, honey... is it time to let t poor Orihime go?"

"Oh! Right!" Candice flashed through the house on hirenkyaku, leaving a wind-blown Orihime behind and coming back with two packed suitcases and Shiro's folded-up stroller. "Let's go!"

Ichigo blinked. "Right this minute?"

Candice tossed a suitcase and Ichigo barely caught it with one hand. "Time's a-wasting, darling. Come on!"

*o*o*o*o*

Ichigo had never even _seen_ the famed Kuchiki manor, let alone been inside. And with Giselle and Meninas coming along, Ichigo was sure Byakuya would just turn them away. Well, Ichigo would have to ask _veeeeery_ nicely, then!

The front gates creaked open, and a petite Soul Reaper streaked across the front lawn, her arms wide, her long hair billowing behind her. "Guys! I'm so glad to see you!" Rukia Kuchiki tackle-hugged Orihime to the ground, and by now, Ichigo was sure Orihime would have to invest in an Adamantium skeleton to survive this lifestyle.

Ichigo made a face. "Whoa, you're pretty spunky today, Rukia. What's the deal?"

Rukia stood and dusted herself off, and helped Orihime up. "Hey, being a Captain is a real burden, carrot top." She jabbed a finger into Ichigo's stomach. "And being a Kuchiki noblewoman, and having Renji as a spouse, and Ichika running around... I don't get any time to myself or my friends!"

Ichigo saw her point. Although decked out in a navy blue kimono with a yellow sash, Ichigo saw the fatigued burden in Rukia's weary face and posture. But, with friends together again, all was good! Right? Well, that was the idea, if you ask Orihime.

"And Candice! It's been too long!" Rukia wrapped Candice in a tight hug.

"Way too long," Candice agreed. "Can we come in? This manor looks so fancy. Like in a fairy tale!"

Rukia dashed back to the manor's sliding front doors, arms wide again like a biplane in a kimono. "Come on! I'll show you all around!"

"Oh, we're gonna be _great_ friends," Giselle said, rubbing her hands together, her eyes hungrily watching Rukia. She salivated.

Meninas bopped her on the head. "No Zombie powers allowed!"

Giselle rubbed her head. "I didn't mean _that_. I mean, well, if she resists too much -"

"Yeah, bringing her was a _great_ idea," Ichigo said, rolling his eyes as he led the party inside.

The inside was just as Ichigo expected: lots of halls and side rooms, expensive wall scrolls and vases and bonsai trees, and elaborate rugs underfoot. Giselle and Meninas sprinted off to explore the west wing while Rukia led the Kurosakis and Orihime into the heart of the mansion, and right into a lantern-lit tea room.

"Well, I'll be damned." Renji looked up from his spot at the table and got to his feet, a wide grin on his face. "Ichigo, you peeled yourself away from your domestic bliss to visit lowly old Renji."

Ichigo scowled. "Can it, pineapple head. You're livin' like a king!"

Renji, who wore a white yukata, stood at his full height, hands on his hips, towering right over Ichigo. "I don't like your attitude, punk boy. Don't you know you're a guest here?!"

"I wouldn't know it, based on this reception!" Ichigo shot back, and the two men bared their teeth, eyes flaring with challenge, hands prepared for a proper fight. Then they burst out laughing and embraced.

"Dude, you know I'm just giving you crap," Ichigo conceded.

"And I'd never go soft like some king or spoiled prince," Renji added. "How've you been, man?"

"It's... been a real ride," Ichigo said after a second of thought, breaking from Renji. "Let's just put it that way."

"Right." Then Renji waved hello. "Hey there, Candi, Orihime." His eyes widened. "Hey! Is that your son, Shiro?"

Candice beamed. "Yeah! Want to say hi?" Without waiting for an answer, she scooped up Shiro from his stroller and handed him to Renji.

Rukia joined her husband, positively bouncing up and down in true rabbit style, her violet eyes lit up. "Candi! Ichigo! He's positively the _cutest_ baby boy I've seen!" She turned to Renji. "I hope Ichika gets a brother like him. Don't you?"

Renji made a bracing smile. "Well, at least this kiddo is _quiet_. Unlike -"

"WOOOOO HOO HOOOOOO!" Giselle and Meninas hooted in joy as they chased the toddler Ichika down the hallway on hirenkyaku, with little Ichika cackling madly and keeping one step ahead of the pursuing Sternritters. Two retainers hurried after them, shouting at them to settle down, but it was like using a fire extinguisher on the sun.

Renji's face darkened as the girls thundered up and down the mansion's wooden hallways. "Ichika has always been -" he started, and winced at the loud shatter of a vase. " - animated." He groaned as he heard a wall scroll rip.

Rukia smiled and patted her husband's upper arm. "I'll just freeze 'em and put them on dish washing duty later. How's that sound?"

"Dish washing?" Ichigo asked.

Rukia turned to him. "Didn't anyone tell you? You're all invited to a reception dinner tonight! My brother will head the whole event, of course."

Now Ichigo was the one wincing and groaning. "G-great," he choked out.

Rukia took both Candice's and Orihime's hands. "There's so much more to show you! Wait 'till you see the gardens!"

Candice took Shiro back in her arms, waved good-bye to Ichigo, and the three girls left the room.

A silence fell, aside from the sound of the ongoing Ichika chase. Ichigo swallowed. "So, uh... having Byakuya around in your daily life must be a real hoot."

Renji nodded. "Took some getting used to. But there's a method to his... madness? No, his customs."

"Whatever you say."

Renji gave Ichigo a calculating look. "Why don't we get some fresh air at the meditation gardens? Follow me."

*o*o*o*o*

Ten minutes later, Ichigo found himself wandering the peaceful gardens at the manor's north side, with a smooth stone wall isolating the gardens from the nearby scenery. Blossom trees, some weeping willows by a pond, and croaking frogs made for a pretty rad garden, but Ichigo could sense a certain... _intent_ in Renji. And soon enough -

"Ichigo." Renji spoke up as they walked along the stone pathway along the pond's banks. "You can confide in me. We fought together. We saved Rukia together. Hell, we _fought_ a few times. I know how you think, man."

"Do you?" Ichigo made a guarded face.

Renji tensed. "I just wanna help out, that's all. Come on."

"Is that an offer to babysit? 'Cause my sisters can do it whenever Giselle and Meninas have the good sense to stay away."

"No, I mean..." Renji ran his hands over his face. "We're warriors, Ichigo. You didn't train at the Academy like I did, but I know when a warrior's spirit is hurt. What's _really_ going on?" His piercing gaze left no room for excuses on Ichigo's part.

Ichigo felt his stomach squirm. "I... dunno what to say."

"Then I'll give you a minute. Think it over." Renji occupied himself by watching two squirrels chase each other up the trunk and across the branches of a blossom tree.

Ichigo glanced down. "I'm losin' it, Renji. Between being a parent, my classes, losing my job -"

"You _lost_ it?"

Ichigo went red. "Look, I just mixed up the days -!"

Renji held up his hands. "Sorry, sorry. Go on."

With a sigh, Ichigo added, "I thought I'd have all this figured out, Renji, but I don't. What am I supposed to do, when I can't keep a job, when I'm gonna fail my classes, and I can't even make my son happy? What kind of future can I even provide for -"

"Okay, gonna interrupt you for real this time." Renji sat on a stone bench and motioned for Ichigo to join him. "Ichigo: I trusted Rukia's life to you, and I trusted _my_ life to you in Hueco Mundo, and beyond! You _really_ think you're such a loser that you can't handle your family and college and stuff?"

Ichigo gripped his knees. "Renji, that's not -"

Renji slapped Ichigo's shoulder. "It's insulting, Ichigo! You think I'm dumb enough to trust my and Rukia's life to someone who's as stupid and weak as you think you are? _Do you_?"

"What..." Ichigo glanced over and was jolted by Renji's demanding glare. He felt himself deflate. "No, you'd never do that."

"That's damned right, I wouldn't." Renji gave the same shoulder a shove. "Don't you come here to the manor and say crap like that, Ichigo. I'm not gonna have it. And you're not gonna do it to yourself. You get me?"

Ichigo felt himself grin in spite of himself. "Damn, you never change."

"Neither do you, carrot head." Renji returned Ichigo's grin. "You just _think_ you've lost your mojo. I don't think you have."

Ichigo rolled his eyes again. " _Mojo_? That's the lamest -"

Renji blinked. "Hey, I thought that's the cool thing to say in the world of the living."

Ichigo burst out laughing. "It's not."

"Oh. I gotta rethink my list of cool slang, then." Renji tapped his thigh. "But back to my original point: this is just in your head, Ichigo. I _know_ you can handle everyday life and raise a fantastic son with your wife. We fought the Sternritters together; they're a tough group, and there's no way Candice is gonna let you stay down like this. Neither am I."

Ichigo shrugged. "So, what's your grand plan, wise king?"

Renji snorted in amusement. "That's an easy one. Before Byakuya's dinner party tonight, _you_ are gonna get your mojo back -"

"Mojo isn't cool!"

"Crap!" Renji grimaced. "Fine, in order to get your... moxy?"

Ichigo shook his head.

"Get your vibes?"

Ichigo shook his head harder.

"Get your... totally rad spunk on?"

"Look, I get what you're tryin' to say! Just no more slang!"

"Fine!" Renji settled back down. "Okay, you've gotta prove your manliness to yourself and to Candice. It's easy! Take the initiative, make a move, and _feel_ the power! Candice will love it!"

Ichigo nodded. "I... I'll see what I can do."

"Now _there's_ the warrior who has my back."

Ichigo felt light-headed as he stood. Dammit, Renji _did_ have a point; he had to take action! But how? And when? What if he screwed _this_ up, too...?

He bid Renji good-bye for now and headed into the mansion... where he immediately slipped and fell, and conked his noggin on the wet wooden floor! "What the hell!"

Giselle towered over him, a big grin on her face, a mop in hand. "Ichigo! How are you?"

"Pretty bruised, thanks to you!"

Meninas joined them, a mop and bucket in hand. "Sorry, carrot boy. We're mopping the mansion."

Ichigo struggled to his feet. _"Why?"_

Giselle giggled. "Mr. Lord King Sir Byakuya got fussy since we and Ichika kept breaking things and making messes, so we've gotta pay him back! Cool, isn't it?"

 _At least it keeps them out of my way._ Ichigo nodded. "Fair is fair. Look, it's just 'Lord Byakuya'. And where's Candice?"

Both Sternritters giggled, and Ichigo felt himself blush. "She was looking for you," Meninas said in a teasing tone. "She's in the south wing. Hurry!"

So Ichigo hurried up, and once he wandered by the baths, an arm extended from the doorframe and yanked him inside. "Whoa!"

There stood Candice, a big smile on her face, and she wore only a fluffy white towel wrapped around her torso. "Been looking for you, darling," she cooed. She whipped off Ichigo's shirt. "We've gotta get fresh and clean for Byakuya's big dinner party! Rukia and Orihime are looking after Shiro, so we have the place to ourselves..." She whispered the last few words right into her husband's ear.

Ichigo broke out into a wide grin. "I'd love that." He quickly undressed, and he sat nude on a short stool as Candice lathered him with soap and water, her hands caressing his back much more than needed to spread the soap.

"Mmmmmmmm... you're so tense, darling," Candice commented, running her hands along Ichigo's shoulders. "Let me rub that right out..."

Ichigo sighed with contentment as his wife kept running her hands everywhere, kneading his muscles under her fingers. _Damn, I love her so much._ But was now the time to "take action"? This was so sudden... what was Ichigo to do? He needed the perfect setup...

Candice dumped a bucket of warm water on Ichigo's back. "Okay, now do me."

Long since accustomed to Candice's double entendres, Ichigo got up and let Candice have a seat, then started washing her, too. "Pretty fancy mansion, isn't it?" he piped up awkwardly.

Candice hummed to herself. "It is! And Ichika... she's so much fun! I hope Shiro grows up to be like her!"

 _Funny, Renji would rather Ichika be like Shiro!_ Ichigo swallowed that thought. "Maybe she can just be his lively big sister or something. You know, protect him from bullies and stuff..."

"Oh that's _your_ job, darling." Candice rolled her shoulders. "I bet Shiro will grow up to really look up to you!"

"I... yeah." Ichigo felt another nervous clench in his stomach, but this wasn't the time to worry about that... not with the steam, the soap, and -

Candice turned around and took Ichigo's head in her hands, her green eyes flashing with concern. "Darling, I can feel the tension in your hands... what's the matter? Did Ichika tease you? I'll teach her a lesson!"

"N-no, Ichika didn't do anything wrong. I just..."

Candice made a small sigh, then gently tackled Ichigo to the wet floor, on her hands and knees, her soap-slicked breasts nearly touching Ichigo's chest. Her damp green hair hung in thick clumps around her face and shoulders. "Darling, if you're unhappy, you can tell me about it. Right?"

Ichigo swallowed and felt his heart race. _I don't want to burden her during our visit... but I can't lie! A dilemma worthy of Greek theater!_ "I've just gotta figure out something. Don't worry, you'll know about it soon enough."

There. A perfect compromise!

Except...

Candice leaned down and kissed Ichigo wetly on the lips, her eyes closed. "Darling," she said, "you'd better not be tricking me! That's Gigi's job!"

"Honey, I'm not gonna lie. No way." Ichigo smiled. "I love you."

"And I love _you_. And what's more..." Candice smiled too. "Maybe you'll tell me what's wrong after some of _this_." She lowered herself onto him, pressing her wet, bare breasts on Ichigo's chest, her nipples poking into him. She kissed him again, rougher this time, her lips going everywhere as she held Ichigo down by the shoulders. She took the lead, planting more kisses, and a few gentle bites, on everything she could reach.

Ichigo panted for breath. "Whoa, no mercy!"

"I know." Candice scooted up and sat on Ichigo's belly, gently rocking her curvy hips back and forth, her wet flesh making little squelching noises on his skin. Candice sighed and threw her head back, her chest heaving, water dribbling off her perky nipples, her breaths coming in rapid gasps.

Ichigo took hold of Candice's waist and held her as she rocked faster and faster, and she guided herself further back down toward his groin, inch by inch -

Ichigo got an idea. He heaved himself up and lay Candice on her back, and this time, he was on his hands and knees over her. Candice looked shocked, then delighted, tilting her head to expose her neck.

"Hey, Candice, honey..." Ichigo nibbled on Candice's offered neck. "I think it's a little too soon. Let's keep washing, and after dinner, maybe I'll give you a little treat."

"Mmmmmmm." Candice moaned. "What kind of treat, darling? One that's even better than this...?"

Ichigo swallowed, still panting for breath. "Y-yeah. I've got a real treat for you. And if I can't find the perfect time, I'll just have to give it to you tomorrow!"

"How long are you gonna make me wait, darling?" Candice breathed. "A girl can't wait forever."

Ichigo was just buying time, but darn it, he could make use of this. "Waiting makes it hotter, y'know." He ran his fingertips down Candice's chest, and down her right breast. He gently squeezed the flesh near her nipple, and Candice gasped with delight.

Candice nodded. "I can't wait, darling." She smiled. "So... weren't we in the middle of a bath?"

"We sure were." Ichigo got up and picked up the bucket. All he could think about now was the upcoming dinner party, and review his meager table manners...


	6. Chapter 6

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 6**

Rukia somehow convinced the freshly-bathed Ichigo to try on a set of Byakuya's most expensive house robes, a fine yukata ensemble that made the carrot-head feel inadequate within seconds.

"Won't your big bro mind if a bumpkin like me waltzes around in these?" Ichigo said nervously, checking himself in front of a tall mirror in a guest bedroom. He turned around for a full view, arms out.

Rukia giggled. "Hey, you're the hero of the Soul Society! Why not? I call it a favor."

"I call it inviting disaster." Ichigo could already imagine little snakes of disapproval slithering around him inside these robes, condescending him with their little snake voices...

If he spilled even one molecule of food or sake on this thing, he'd end up as cellmates with Sosuke Aizen for sure!

Ichigo hastily changed topics. "So, how's Candice settling in?"

"I'd think you'd know," Rukia said slyly, arms now folded. "You both sure had fun in the baths."

Ichigo went beet-red and stream shot out of his ears. "Y-you _heard_ all that?!"

"You Kurosakis sure lack subtlety."

"Oh, jeez." Ichigo sighed. "You sound more like Byakuya every day."

"But with a better sense of humor."

"With a sense of humor, _period_." Ichigo swept imaginary dust off his robe's shoulder. "I could use a game of shogi or two to take my mind off things before dinner. Got a set?"

"Would you prefer jade, gold, ivory, or emerald game pieces?"

Ichigo made a teasing face. "Living the humble life, I see."

Rukia swatted his shoulder and went pink. "Can it, berry boy."

"Just saying..."

*o*o*o*o*

After losing way too many shogi games to Rukia (Ichigo swore he'd never touch the game again), the setting sun glowed a bronze-orange color through the windows and two retainers escorted both Ichigo and Rukia to the dining hall. "Are we late?" Ichigo asked, scratching his head as the vassals hurried them along like cattle herders.

Rukia made an embarrassed face. "Whoops. I think our last game ran a little too long. Why couldn't you lose faster, Ichigo? Now my big brother will be mad!"

"Sure, blame _me_."

Sure enough, a small crowd was already seated in the paper lantern-lit dining hall, with Byakuya at the table's head. The nobleman's slate-gray eyes took in the two stragglers. "Good evening."

Ichigo decided that _not_ being able to read Captain Kuchiki's eyes or tone was way scarier than being yelled at. He waved hello. "Evening, Captain -"

"Lord Byakuya will do." The nobleman sounded oddly weary as he said it. And sure enough -  
"No! No!" Giselle bolted upright from her seat, a comically angry look on her face. "We agreed to call you Sir President Duke Wealthy-Pants!"

"You agreed with yourself to call me that, miss Gewelle," Byakuya retorted. "And my chief of security agreed with _me_ to toss you in the dungeons if you say that made-up title again."

Ichigo stumbled. "This place has a dungeon now?!"

"Yes, it does," Renji said, making air-quotes with his fingers. "Keeps everyone well-behaved."

Giselle pouted. "That's no way to treat a guest."

Meninas tugged on Giselle's sleeve. "You're making a scene!"

"It's what I do, Minnie."

"You don't wanna get thrown out before at least the first course is served, do you?" Meninas said craftily.

Giselle's eyes widened. "Crap! You're right!" She put on a totally unconvincing smile and sat, smoothing the wrinkles on her clothes.

With that particular fire put out, everyone took a seat, with Rukia at the empty table to Byakuya's left and Ichigo seated on Candice's right. At once, more retainers showed up, serving the soup course. Man, it smelled good! And the spoons looked more expensive than Ichigo's car!

Everyone looked their best, too. Byakuya wore a white yukata set with gold trim and his polished kenseikan, plus a decorative ring on his right fourth finger. Smilarly, Rukia now wore an expensive-looking green kimono with equally fancy hairpins, and Candice wore a lovely pink kimono with white flower patterns and a yellow sash, while Orihime wore a dark red outfit and Giselle and Meninas wore light blue.

"So, Ichigo." Byakuya took another bite of soup as a string quartet in the corner started playing. "I presume that your studies are going well?"

Ichigo jolted. "How did you know about -?"

"Renji's mouth is bigger than you'd think," Byakuya said with a hint of a smile. He ignored Renji's indignant look. "He said that you're at a junior college, whatever that may be."

"I-it's a two-year college," Ichigo said, feeling like he was navigating a minefield. That sounded preferable, actually. "Studying journalism and other media stuff. Y'know..."

"Do tell." Byakuya patted the corners of his mouth with his napkin. "What inspired you to pursue that field?"

Ichigo felt himself deflate. This kind of polite talk was... tedious? Lame? Awkward? But he was a guest! But he'd rather go and try to beat Rukia at shogi again... He toyed with his soup. "I... dunno..."

Safe from Byakuya's peripheral vision, Renji pointed at Candice with his chin and made funny gestures with his hands, mouthing something. Rukia, who caught on, did the same.

"Surely, you're working hard for your future?" Byakuya pressed his guest. "The hero of the Soul Society is not one to idle, I expect."

"I'm gonna..." Ichigo read into Renji's miming. "Become a prize fighter."

Renji made an annoyed face, shook his head, and mimed... _something_.

Byakuya raised his eyebrows. "That is not what I expected."

"My darling is a big tough guy on the outside," Candice piped up, running her hands fondly along her husband's shoulders. "But inside, he's like a big candy teddy bear!"

 _Is she agreeing or disagreeing with the whole figher thing?_ Ichigo wondered. He compromised by nodding vaguely.

"I can imagine a better future than that," Byakuya said flatly. "Am I right?"

"S-sure," Ichigo squeaked. He finally figured out what Renji and Rukia were imitating. "I might not get into fighting. I'm going to be a... masseuse."

Rukia threw her hands up in exasperation.

"A commoner's trade," Byakuya said. "I will not decide your future for you, Ichigo, but I have seen your potential. I only wish to hear that you have the noblest aspirations."

"I'm sure my darling will do something wonderful," Candice said conclusively, kissing him on the cheek. "I have faith in him."

"Thanks, hon," Ichigo said with a bashful smile.

The second course arrived, and even Giselle and Meninas kept their cool as Byakuya kept up the questions. But Rukia and Renji were scribbling notes and folded them up into paper airplanes. Then, Renji pretended to see an exotic bird outside the window, and while Byakuya turned away to look, Renji and Rukia threw their paper airplane messages at Ichigo. He caught them and hid them on his lap by the time Byakuya turned back.

"I've been meaning to ask... I take it you've met my niece, Ichika?" Byakuya asked. "She is quite wonderful, yes?"

"Y-yeah," Ichigo choked out, covertly unfolding and reading the messages on his lap:

 _Ichigo, you dope! Why are you acting so meek and scared?! I said you've gotta man up and impress Candice! Get your moxy mojo back! -Renji_

Then, the other note: _Renji told me everything, Ichigo. Buck up! I know you can do it. Get over this mental block of yours and appreciate the family and life you have! -Rukia_

First of all, "moxy mojo" was the worst thing Ichigo had ever read. Second of all, what was he supposed to do here, at this formal dinner? Byakuya was watching! And having Giselle around was asking for trouble!

Byakuya, meanwhile, changed tack as the third course showed up. "Candice, my lady... you've been rather quiet this evening. Rukia tells me you're usually so lively."

Candice made a polite giggle and titled her head bashfully. "Oh, I just wanna impress you, Mr. Duke Lord Byakuya! I can be a real lady... unlike some people."

"She means me!" Giselle raised her arms as though cheering on a sports team.

Byakuya scowled. "I had no doubt of _that_."

Giselle lowered her hands and acidentally flung some sauce-soaked rice everywhere. "But I can be a lady too!"

"On another note," Byakuya said, raising his voice a bit, "Candice, I am delighted that I could meet your young son, Shiro. Such a well-behaved boy. I think he has your eyes. And, ah... Ichigo's hair." He said the last part as though to mean "that poor kid..."

Candice beamed. "Thank you, Mr. Noble Lord! My son is _such_ a cutie. I'm glad you like him! In fact, we should visit more often, and I bet Shiro and Ichika will grow up to be the best of friends!"

"And with any luck, Ichika will learn a thing or two from him," Byakuya said, but Ichigo heard the doubt in his voice. "Perhaps she just needs a playmate to calm her down. She is, after all, the only person her age in the mansion."

Candice nodded. "Yeah! Kids need fun, Boss Lord. Hey, Ichigo and I have a few free days next month... we can visit! And the week after that, and the week after that..."

Ichigo was sure Byakuya was already making plans to baby-proof, and Giselle-proof, the mansion by then.

"We will... see," Byakuya said, finishing his plate. "If you all will wait a few moments, dessert will soon be served."

Rukia cleared her throat. "Big brother, I think our guests are getting restless. Why not let them visit the kitchen and try a few samples first? To show our hospitality?"

The request was utterly silly, but Ichigo saw the knowing look in her purple eyes. Ichigo swallowed as he shared a small nod with Rukia and Renji. _Okay!_

Byakuya raised his eyebrows. "I... suppose."

"Hey, me too!" Giselle bolted to her feet and knocked her plate to the floor.

Meninas eased her friend back down. "Cut your losses, Gigi."

Giselle's hair antennae drooped with disappointment. "What does that even mean?"

"It means, please remain seated," Byakuya said, with a sharp edge to rival Senbonzakura's.

Ichigo took his wife's hand and stood as a retainer jogged over to escort them to the kitchens. With his heart hammering in his chest, Ichigo led his wife through the well-decorated halls and to the manor's northern wing, and they stepped into a world of sizzling pots ands pans, vats of soup, and vegetables and meats hanging from the ceiling.

"The desserts are nearly ready," a chef said confidently, bowing as Ichigo and Candice approached. "All the fruit tarts, powdered doughnuts, sundaes, and chocolate fondu you could ever desire."

"Thanks, dude," Ichigo said, and the chef looked awkward as Ichigo led Candice along. "Hey, uh... I just need a minute."

The bewildered chef bowed again. "Anything for the guests of Lord Byakuya."

Ichigo borrowed a plate of dessert samplers and led Candice into a secluded storage room, with lovely sunlight coming in through the two narrow windows. He gently shut the door. "Nice and quiet in here."

Candice smiled. "Are we gonna sample the desserts in private? You naughty boy. You'll keep Count Byakuya waiting!"

"I think he can wait ten minutes, honey. How about a little of _this_?" Ichigo pressed Candice to the wall and took her head in his hands, mashing his lips against Candice's sweet, soft lips, savoring the taste.

Candice made an excited noise in her throat. "My turn!" She took hold of Ichigo's upper arms and eased him across a table, kissing him even harder, her hands running along his face.

Ichigo's heart beat wildly in his chest. _Do it! Do it, man!_ He reached up and undid Candice's sash and parted her robe. "You won't need this."

Candice sighed with delight and tossed her expensive kimono onto a barrel, then her under-robe, too. She ran her hands along her chest, now just in her lingerie. "Did you want a different kind of dessert, darling?"

"Hell yeah." Ichigo hardly knew what he was doing, but Rukia and Renji demanded it! He fumbled with his yukata sash, but in his excitement, the whole thing felt like a Rubik's Cube in his hands.

"Here, darling." Candice smiled lustily as she whipped off Ichigo's clothes down to his boxer-briefs and pressed herself against him, her breasts squishing into his chest. She hooked one leg around him in a you're-mine gesture.

 _Prove yourself! Do it!_ Ichigo took over, and eased Candice onto her back on the table. "Why don't I sample some desserts?" he said, stumbling over the words. "Sticky, sweet treats."

Candice's smiled widened, and Ichigo set the dessert platter next to his wife. He shakily unclasped Candice's bra and slipped it off of her, his breath catching in his throat. This was it! Seduce her, be the big man, and... something or other.

Ichigo leaned over and ran his tongue along Candice's right breast, his tongue toying with her nipple, wiggling it back and forth. Candice panted with lust, her skin starting to shine with sweat. "More, darling," she breathed. Zaps of lightning crackled along her chest.

"Here." Ichigo dipped his finger in a little bowl of fudge and spread it along Candice's breast, swirling it around her nipple.

"Ooooooh, it's warm," Candice panted. She let out another, bigger zap.

"Yeah." Ichigo clamped his lips down around Candice's nipple, making soft biting motions, licking up the fudge as he went. He held Candice's waist in his hands to keep her steady, his mouth roving all over Candice's chest. He added more fudge, then some powdered sugar and kept roving across her chest, nuzzling his lips and tongue between her breasts.

"D-darling," Candice gasped, her head thrown back. "Do y-you remember doing this one one of our dates? Remember that?"

"Yeah. It's even sweeter this time." Ichigo took a strawberry, smudged it in the fudge on Candice's chest, and held it between his teeth. "Here. Try some fruit."

Candice sat up enough to take it, and she swallowed. "It's sweet!"

Ichigo grinned. "Not as sweet as what I'm gonna -"

"My turn." Candice moved with astounding speed, and before Ichigo knew it, he was on his back on the floor, and Candice whipped off Ichigo's underpants and straddled him, the dessert platter next to her.

"Whoa, Candice," Ichigo panted. "What -"

This time, Candice held a strawberry in her mouth and kissed Ichigo, passing him the sweet fruit. He savored its rich taste, but before he could get a word out, Candice dabbed his chest with honey. She kneeled next to Ichigo and ran her tongue along his honeyed abs, groaning in delight. "So sweet!"

Ichigo flexed. "How about that?"

"Oooooooh!" Candice kept licking, making her way closer to Ichigo's groin, her breasts jiggling as she panted for breath. Then she sat back and slipped her pink panties down her legs and tossed them aside. "Got another idea," she said slyly. "Watch me."

She smeared fudge down a thin trail, from Ichigo's chest down to his groin, and added some powdered sugar. Then, Candice straddled him with her legs wide apart and slowly lowered herself onto his chest. She smiled as she slowly worked her way backwards, her lusty, damp flesh smudging with the powdered fudge on Ichigo's chest. She slid back even further with a naughty smile on her face, and, without a word, she reached down and held Ichigo's member upright.

Candice eased herself down with a shaky sigh, and Ichigo jolted as he felt his tip touch her warm, chocolate-y flesh. _Whoa!_ Ichigo felt himself tense up as Candice very slowly lowered herself further, her flesh making wet, slippery sounds as Ichigo slid into her. She kept letting off more happy zaps of The Thunderbolt as she went.

Candice lowered herself completely and leaned forward, planting another wet kiss on her husband's lips. "How about that, darling?" she panted. "Want a little more?"

Ichigo started to nod, then blinked a few times. Whoa. This wasn't what he meant to... but damn, how could he say no when Candice was on him like this, when he was _in_ her like this? But...

"C-Candice, honey... I..."

"Yes?"

"We've gotta... I mean, we sh-should save this kind of thing for later, we got c-carried away... the others are waiting..."

Candice pouted. "You don't wanna...?"

 _I've gotta rein things in._ Ichigo swallowed. "I promise, we'll do more later. Maybe tomorrow, or back home? We've gotta get back to the others."

Looking confused, and a little disappointed, Candice climbed off Ichigo, wiped herself dry with a spare towel, and got dressed. "I'm holding you to your word, y'know, darling," she said slyly as she draped herself in her pink kimono. "I'm not done with you yet!"

"Oh, I know, honey." Ichigo wiped himself dry and threw on his yukata, his mind buzzing. He definitely botched this little seduction session, but he'd have another chance to prove himself, and do it better, with all the time in the world. Somewhere, somehow! It was the key to getting his manhood back and unlocking his future!

That sounded super weird even in his own mind, let alone try to say it out loud.

Fully dressed, Ichigo took his wife's hand. "Ready for the rest of dessert?"

Candice smiled and nodded. "I can't wait."

Both Kurosakis somehow navigated the dinner's dessert course without trouble. But afterwards, Ichigo caught Renji's look and shrugged. _I'll keep trying,_ he mouthed, and Renji nodded.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 7**

"I... don't see... how this helps! Aaaaaarrrgh!"

Ichigo had been roused bright and early, courtesy of a hard slap in the face and a quick breakfast shoved under his nose. And now, just at the crack of dawn, Renji sat cross-legged at the Kuchiki manor's training field, watching (and judging) closely as Ichigo fought to hold up a boulder. Worse, Renji had invited his good pal Tetsuzaemon Iba, and both bros shouted words of encouragement as Ichigo kept straining to keep that boulder aloft.

Merciful hell!

"C'mon, carrot boy! I'd think this was your first day of training!" Iba hooted. He grinned and passed his sake gourd to Renji.

Renji took a gulp. "I've seen tenth seat officers lift more than that, Ichigo! What's keepin' you?"

Ichigo felt veins bulging under his skin, his teeth sharp as he bared them in Herculean effort. His arms shook, his legs trembled, and sweat ran down his face. Not the most flattering image!

Hard to believe that he'd been caught in even _more_ unflattering situations...!

"Guh!" Ichigo rolled the boulder's weight just enough to set it down clumsily on the ground, and he flopped onto his back, his black Soul Reaper robes clinging to his damp skin. "I'm... dying!"

Iba towered over Ichigo, his manly shades glinting with condescension. "What?! I'm the one who's dying, Ichigo. Seeing you like this... I'll be damned. How did you land that lovely lady Candice if you're so..."

Ichigo answered with an impatient kick to Iba's face, sending the lieutenant sprawling. He could have sworn he saw the onamonapia for "whack!" in the air in big orange characters. Hell, maybe draining the blood from his head to his arms was making him loony!

Iba gave the thumbs-up from the ground. "That's the spirit, carrot boy!"

"I'm... not... a freakin' carrot!" Ichigo scrambled to his feet, wiping his brow. "I'm going back to bed!"

"Whoa. Hit the brakes, buddy," Renji demanded, standing up. "You think you can leave with your tail between your legs? Not here! Not in our Marathon of Manly Moxy!"

Ichigo's fist caved in Renji's face, this time with the characters for "crunch!"

"That's a lousy name!" Ichigo roared.

Renji popped his face back into shape and rubbed his cheek. "Whoa. I think you're all primed, Ichigo. Ready for more training?"

Ichigo groaned and hung his head. "Training for _what_ , again? Everything's been going by in a blur."

Iba sprang to his feet and wandered over, fists on his hips. "Renji told me the whole thing, Ichigo. Your warrior spirit is floundering. You feel inadequate as Candice's husband and Shiro's father. We're gonna break that barrier for you, one exercise at a time."

Ichigo groaned again and waved his arms like they were jelly. "I'm worn out! This sucks!"

Renji shook his head. "What sucks is seeing you cave in." He busted out a whistle and blew on it way too loudly. "Move it, champ! More training!"

Ichigo plugged his ears. "You jerk!"

But there was no denying the Marathon of Manly Moxy (looks like the name stuck). Ichigo found himself jogging up and down the Kuchiki manor grounds with Iba and Renji in tow, shouting cadances that both Soul Reapers made up, most of them totally inappropriate.

"I'm gonna show Candice I'm a re-al man!" Iba prompted, pumping his fists he jogged.

Ichigo rolled his eyes as they sprinted past a pair of gardeners pruning some flowers. "I'm gonna show Candice I'm a re-al man!"

"Gonna give her the lovin' of the cent-ur-y!" Renji added.

Ichigo fought down the urge to punt Renji all the way to Sogyoku Hill. "Gonna give her the lovin' of the cent-ur-y!" he repeated.

"I'm an animal in bed and so is she!" Iba continued.

Ichigo stumbled. "What the -!"

Renji gave Ichigo a shove. "Move it!"

"I really need new friends..." Ichigo shook his head and resumed jogging. "I'm an animal in bed and so is she!"

Renji nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm a firm ten inches and she's got a -!"

This time, Ichigo really _did_ punt Renji to Sogyoku Hill. Or tried to; the pineapple head ended up splashing into a nearby pond near the east garden wall.

Renji emerged from the pond covered in plant life like a swamp monster. "Ha ha! Yeah! Now you're feelin' it!"

Ichigo jabbed an accusing finger. "This is all just an excuse to give me hell, isn't it?"

Iba conked Ichigo on the head. "Be grateful, boy!" he roared. His hand smoked from the sheer impact of striking Ichigo's skull. "When the day's out, you'll be a new man! Candice will be the luckiest girl in the world, y'know. Don't you want that?"

"I... I do." Ichigo sighed and got on one knee to catch his breath, staring at the dewy morning grass. "Candice... she deserves the best. All I want is her to be happy. It's all I _need_." He gripped his knee tightly.

Renji shook himself like a dog to dry off his pond-soaked robes, and he clapped a hand to Ichigo's shoulder. "That's great, Ichigo. We'll help you."

Ichigo rose with a grin. "Okay. Show me what's next."

*o*o*o*o*

The gardeners, chefs, and other retainers stared in awe as Ichigo paraded around the Kuchiki manor for his Marathon of Manly Moxy (Jeez, that name...!). Ichigo changed into fresh robes and did stretches at the southern porch to expand his muscles and mind as one (he was sure Renji was improvising all this), he sat patiently and played shogi and Go with both lieutenants (he lost very badly!), he painted "warrior messages" onto expensive paper with ink brushes at Iba's guidance (he was sure Byakuya hadn't approved this use of his expensive paper and ink), and he even did kendo (managed to break _two_ bamboo swords, somehow, entirely by accident).

Hours later, Ichigo set down his empty rice bowl at lunch and lifted his chin. "Okay," he declared. "I'm juiced up from all these lessons. When's the big moment? When can I -?"

Iba held out a hand. "Slow down, bro. Your training isn't yet complete."

"How would you even know? You make it up as you go."

Renji narrowed his eyes. "You're questioning your coaches?!"

"Hey, why not show me how it's done?" Ichigo challenged him.

Renji went as red as his hair. "Wh-what?"

Ichigo broke into a wide grin. "The master knows best. Woo Rukia. Show me how to seduce a lady, and I'll learn!"

Iba glanced at Renji in an are-you-gonna-do-it kind of way, and Renji, upon catching that look, took a deep breath and brushed imaginary dust off his shoulders. "Okay," Renji said a bit shakily. "Let's go! First, though, we've gotta find -"

Thundering footsteps shuddered the floor.

"Hahahaaaaaaa! We've got it! We've got it!" Giselle Gewelle raced down the hall with Ichika, the Sternritter holding a photo album over her head like plunder of war. "Come and get it!"

Rukia sprinted after them, an indignant snarl on her face as she pumped her arms to keep up. "That's mine! And it's super private!"

"Mommy, you're so shy!" Ichika taunted over her shoulder. "Let the nice lady see! Please?"

Rukia threw out her hand and released a glowing kido that Giselle expertly dodged. The spell fizzled out against the wall as the thre girls screamed and hollered at each other, their feet pounding the wooden floor. Ichigo heard a vase shatter.

Renji reluctantly got to his feet. "Okay, um..."

Ichigo thumped Renji's back. "Show me _your_ moxy!"

"That sounds so lame," Renji shot back.

Ichigo nodded. "Now you get it!"

So Renji hurried after the three ladies with Ichigo and Iba in tow, and he cupped his hands around his mouth. "Rukia! What's going on?"

"They took one of our scrapbooks!" Rukia cried over her shoulder as everyone sprinted through the maze-like halls of the manor.

"So?" Renji called back.

Rukia went even redder. "They took the naughty one!"

Renji made an inhuman noise. "N-no!"

Rukia fired another kido, but this time, Giselle tossed the scrapbook to Ichika, who took a hard right into another hall. Rukia's binding kido snapped closed around Giselle like a rubber band, and the Sternritter sprawled onto the floor with a giggle.

"Ooooooooh, I've been naughty," Giselle said coyly, wiggling around in her bindings. "Does anyone wanna _punish_ me?"

Ichigo skidded to a halt with Iba. "Should we help her?"

"Leave her!" Rukia cried, still charging after her elusive daughter.

Giselle oriented herself to face away from Ichigo, and she raised her rump. "Wanna spank me? I've been bad! So bad!" She started panting and drooling. "Slap me, Ichigo! Hard!"

Ichigo made a face. "I think I'll take Rukia's advice." He nodded to Iba and kept running after Ichika.

"How did Ichika even get into our room?" Renji hollered.

"I swear, she's like a monkey!" Rukia grated. "Ichika! Come back here this very moment - whoa!"

At that _veeeeeery_ moment, both Candice and Meninas emerged from around the corner, and Ichika was too late to avoid plowing right into Meninas like a bull. Both girls toppled over and skidded down the hall, and the naughty scrapbook slid across the floor.

"Get her!" Rukia roared, and at once, Meninas used The Power to hold the squirming Ichika aloft, kicking and screaming.

"What did she do?" Meninas asked innocently.

Rukia slowed to a stop and panted with her hands on her knees. "What _didn't_ she do?"

"Hey! I'm innocent in this endeavor!" Ichika wailed. "Lemme go!"

Renji stared. "Whoa, Ichika learned a new word."

Candice, meanwhile, knelt and picked up the scrapbook, and leafed through its pages. She went pink and smiled up at Rukia and Renji. "What a lovely idea, to make such a personal scrapbook!"

Steam shot from Rukia's ears. "G-give that back!"

Candice giggled as her eyes roved over the photos inside. "Ichigo, darling, we should make an album like this, too!"

Ichigo sputtered. "B-but... what if we... huh?!"

"Oooooh!" Candice pointed at one photo. "Come look at this! Rukia and Renji are on a bench under a blossom tree, and Rukia is only wearing her -!"

"Her _what_?"

Byakuya Kuchiki emerged on the scene, eyes narrowed in justified suspicion (which was most of the time).

Candice stood and offered the scrapbook. "Mr. Count Byakuya! Look! Isn't this so sweet?"

Byakuya took one look at the scrapbook's contents and petrified into stone, as though an invisible gorgon had emerged from the scrapbook's pages.

Candice tilted her head and poked Byakuya's stony forehead. "Mr. Duke? Sir?"

Renji sighed and dragged Byakuya down the hall like he was a fallen Christmas tree. "Relax. I'll take care of him. See you later, Ichigo."

Ichika giggled. "Look! Uncle Byakki froze up again!"

Ichigo made a face. "This isn't the first time?"

"Hey, can someone help me?" Giselle Gewelle wormed her way onto the scene, her arms still trapped by her sides in Rukia's binding kido. "Anyone?"

Rukia scowled and punted Giselle across the hall. "This is your fault, too!"

Giselle giggled. "Oooooooh, more!"

Meninas made a face. "That's enough, Gigi!" She charged up The Power and slapped her friend, but she slipped and smacked Giselle right on the rump.

"Ooooooh! More!" Giselle cried, salivating again. "Harder!"

Meninas tentatively slapped Giselle's curvy rump. "What, like that?"

"Aaaaah-aaaaah!" Giselle threw her head back in delight. "Minnie, more!"

"Uh... sure?" Meninas smacked Giselle's right butt cheek, and Sternritter Z gasped and moaned as though orgasming (maybe she was!).

Ichigo made a face and joined Candice. "Sorry you had to see all that."

Candice smiled and lovingly ran a finger down Ichigo's jaw and onto his chin. "Oh, I don't mind. Things were just getting a little dull around here, anyway." She blinked. "Darling, you should see _this_!" She held up the scrapbook and presented its many erotic photos to Ichigo's face.

"Nooooooooo!" Ichigo took one look and felt himself petrify, too.

 _My time will come... but it shall not... be this time!_

Renji had better have a killer cure for this!

But it probably wouldn't erase those images from Ichigo's poor mind...


	8. Chapter 8

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 8**

"Whew... I don't... get it... Renji," Ichigo panted as he kept doing more manly moxy push-ups in the Kuchiki manor garden that afternoon after lunch.

Renji, who sat cross-legged under a tree, lowered his sake gourd. "Get what?"

Ichigo's arms trembled as he pushed himself up again, his back as flat as a board. "How do you keep your cool like that? You're chill as a cucumber, even with Ichika tearing the house down."

"Giselle and Meninas ain't helping, let me tell you that," Renji said, making a face. Then he relaxed. "Look, there's no big secret, Ichigo. I'm grateful for the fantastic life Rukia and I built together, and I'm proud of Ichika's potential. My daughter's gonna go places, just you watch. I'd be amazed if she didn't."

Ichigo felt a drop of sweat roll off his nose and into the grass. "She's a real handful, though."

"A handful that's worth it."

Ichigo heard the defensive edge under Renji's casual tone.

"Is Rukia the one keeping you sane?" Ichigo asked tentatively.

Renji burst out laughing. "Yeah, and I do the same for her. Byakuya helps out sometimes, but he's got all of Squad 6 and the Kuchiki family to keep track of, too. He trusts us to do the right thing."

"Well, ain't that peachy." Ichigo inhaled sharply and did another pushup. "Sounds perfect, Renji."

Renji hesitated, then tossed the sake gourd. Ichigo sat down and caught it, and took a sip.

"It isn't perfect," Renji said firmly. "But it's good enough, you get me?"

Ichigo took another drink and finished his mouth with the back of his hand. He tossed the gourd back as a breeze rattled the blossom trees. "I guess I do." He hung his head. "Dunno how I'm supposed to compete with that."

"Well, you don't have the Kuchiki treasury to draw on like I do," Renji admitted, "but you ain't gonna catch up with _that_ attitude."

Ichigo grinned sheepishly. "I think I need more push-ups."

Renji got up and knelt in front of Ichigo. He held up Ichigo's left hand and tapped the gold ring. "What's is this, Ichigo?"

Ichigo scoffed. "What d'you think?"

"What do _you_ think it is?"

"My wedding band, bro! What else?"

Then Ichigo caught Renji's knowing look. He swallowed and looked down. "It's... it's a promise to Candice to love her more every day, and sacrifice anything for her happiness."

"Yeah. And what's on her left hand?"

Ichigo caught on. "The same promises."

"That's right. Married geezers like us know what kind of promise we're making." Renji grinned and stood, and helped Ichigo up, too. "Are you really so stupid you forgot all that?"

Ichigo bared his teeth. "Who are you callin' stupid?!"

"The one who doesn't get how precious a thing like marriage and a family are." Renji poked Ichigo's stomach. "Iba whipped you into shape, and I just told you your purpose. Now get out there and do something about it!"

Ichigo grinned again and shifted in place. "Like what?"

"I'll distract Meninas and Giselle to give you a clear shot. Don't waste it, carrot head."

"You got it." Ichigo squared his shoulders and set off.

*o*o*o*o*

"Renji! _Renji!_ Is this really you?! That's hilarious! Woo hoo!"

Ichigo braced himself as Giselle and Meninas thundered down the hall, chasing after Renji like a pair of riled bulls. Giselle held a framed, seductive photo of Renji, who was... well, looking directly at it would petrify Ichigo again, gorgon-style, and Giselle was laughing her head off.

"Yeah, that's me! What about it?" Renji hollered over his shoulder, pumping his arms to go faster. "Gonna catch me?"

"Yeah!" Giselle grabbed a small vase and threw it at Renji's head, and with the thunk of expensive china striking a thick skull, Renji was thrown to the floor and crashed into the wall in a dazed heap. Giselle and Meninas pounced on him like hungry zombies, giggling and harassing him over the photo and its many embarassing implications.

"Ichigo!" Renji threw out a desperate hand. "Make my sacrifice worth it! Hurry!" Then he disappeared under a writhing pile of excitable Sternritters.

Ichigo, who understood what Renji was going through, drew himself together and hurried down the hall. He was sure where his destination lay -

"Oh! Ichigo! Are you okay?" Rukia turned, and her violet eyes widened at the sight of Ichigo throwing open the door, panting and huffing.

Ichigo wiped his brow and smiled. "I'm fine. Just had to outrun Giselle and Meninas, that's all. Gave 'em the slip."

Candice, who held an expensive silver scarf in her hands, looked outraged. "Again?! Sometimes, I really worry about those girls..."

Orihime smiled and patted Candice's back. "Don't worry. Lord Earl Byakuya will keep them in line."

"He's away on a business meeting right now," Rukia said grimly. "We're on our own."

Ichigo wouldn't be surprised to see ominous thunder and lightning flash outside the windows.

"So, uh..." Ichigo put his hands on his hips. "What are you gals up to?" _Come on, Ichigo. You're smoother than this! Be cool! Somehow..._

Rukia's eyes had a knowing gleam. "I was showing Candice and Orihime around the place. In fact, I'm thinking of showing them a proper Kuchiki tea ceremony."

"Really?! That sounds yummy!" Orihime clapped her hands together. "Can we try it? I can show you my secret super-jazzed tea recipe!"

Rukia, who had experience with Orihime's idea of flavor, made a nervous smile. "W-well, okay. Let's all adjourn to the tea room down the hall, and -"

Ichigo pounced on his chance like a jaguar. "I, uh... could I have a word with Candice first? You two go on ahead."

"What? But -" Orihime started, until Rukia, who knew Ichigo so darned well, lightly jabbed her with an elbow.

"Great idea. Orihime, you can show me your jazz-flavor tea recipe by the time the Kurosakis join us," Rukia said, and she dragged the perplexed Orihime out of the room and down the hall.

Ichigo shut the door. "What a carnival this trip is turning out to be, isn't it?"

"I know!" Candice beamed. "Shiro's taking his nap, so Rukia was showing me around... this place is amazing, isn't it?"

"Sure is." Ichigo glanced around the place; just a low table with cushions, a few cabinets with expensive china, some wall scrolls, and potted plants. Nice and secluded...

"Turn around." Candice winked.

Ichigo started. "What?"

"Rukia lent me another one of her kimonos," Candice said warmly. "I want to see if you like it too, darling. Now that we're alone..."

Ichigo felt himself grinning excitedly before he even realized it. "Okay." He turned around, arms folded, his mind going through some calculations. He had to do this just right, and put the spring back in his step. The sun back in his sky. The water under his boat -

He shook his head. _Jeez, I'm worse than Renji! Forget the metaphors. I just have to -_

"Turn back around, darling."

Ichigo turned. Candice had her arms wide, a hopeful smile on her face, and she seemed positively radiant in a yellow and orange kimono with sunburst and crane patterns, and a white sash. She even had a flower in her wavy green hair.

Candice lowered her arms and her face fell. "You don't like it?"

"I love it, honey." Ichigo felt his heart thumping in his chest as he took his wife's hand. "Makes me feel underdressed. Maybe I should smarten up, too."

"Lord Sir Byakuya is away. Maybe you could borrow his stuff." Candice ran a finger down her husband's jawline. "Then _you'd_ look like a real noble lord..." She leaned forward and kissed Ichigo's cheek.

Ichigo felt himself starting to sweat. Whoa! How did Candice take control of things so fast?! Well, that was her style... she was all over you before you even realized it.

Then Ichigo felt a light go on in his brain. He grinned. "Give me a minute. Now, _you_ turn around."

Candice made an intrigued smile and turned. "You're full of surprises today, darling..."

"Okay, turn around."

Candice whirled around. She froze at the sight of Ichigo laying on his side on the expensive rug in just his boxer briefs, his head propped playfully by his hand, his elbow on the carpet. He held a rose between his teeth. "Dressing down is sexy too, Candice honey," he said in his best seduction voice (which wasn't saying too much). He set the rose aside.

Ichigo drew a few lazy circles in the rug. "Why don't you join me?"

"Ichigo, I..." Candice knelt by her husband, her face going pink. "What if Rukia or Orihime come back and -"

"Hey." Ichigo held up a shushing finger to his wife's lips. "That kind of thing never stopped you before, did it?"

Candice giggled and went a shade redder. "I don't think so, no!"

Ichigo sat up and took hold of Candice's shoulders and kissed her deeply, and his mind raced about what the next step should be. How far was enough? What was the game plan? Well... there was _one_ way to find out...

Ichigo slipped the kimono off Candice's shoulders and let it fall off around her, and Candice eagerly tossed it aside to the corner, her chest rising and falling with excited panting. She let off excited zaps of The Thunderbolt as Ichigo leaned into her, laying Candice flat on her back, planting kisses down her chest as he went.

"T-taking the lead, I see!" Candice gasped as she let out another sensual zap.

Ichigo felt himself grow aroused as he cupped Candice's breasts in his hands, gently kneading under his fingers. "I gotta do it sometimes, right? Want to see what else I can do?"

"Darling...!" Candice moaned loudly as Ichigo parted her lags and ran his hand down her abdomen and over her crotch, his fingers pressing eagerly on her pink panties. She bucked in excitement, throwing her head back. "M-more, more!"

Ichigo hastily slipped out of his boxer briefs and knelt before his wife, his hands taking hold of her panties. Then he got an idea: he carefully bit down on the fabric between his teeth and slipped Candice's panties off an inch at a time down her sweat-slick skin. "Mmmmmmm... tastes great," Ichigo said, his voice muffled.

Candice kept panting like a dog. "Oh, you naughty boy!" Her arms trembled as she propped herself upright.

Ichigo kept going until he slipped Candice's panties across her ankles, then set them aside and parted Candice's legs a bit wider. He ran his hands up her legs, from the knees and up her smooth thighs, and he felt tingling zaps tickle his palms as he went. "I'm getting closer," Ichigo huffed. "You ready?"

"D-darling!" Candice said again, moaning even louder as Ichigo's hands converged at her crotch, his fingers tracing lines along her slick flesh. "Ohhhh... oooohhhhhh!"

Ichigo held onto one of Candice's knees and pressed together two fingers of his right hand, and he slowly, sensually, pressed them into Candice's pink flesh, deeper and deeper. He drew his fingers halfway out and slid them back in again, faster this time, and Candice positively screamed in delight and lust, her green hair damp with sweat. "I-Ichigo..." she panted.

Faster and faster, Ichigo worked his hand in a rhythmic fashion, gripping Candice's knee tightly, his fingers slick as they went in and out, his arm muscles starting to burn. "You like that?" he gasped.

Candice held onto the rug tightly. "Ichigo... l-let me..."

"Huh?"

Candice seized Ichigo's wrist and drew his hand out of her. Then, with lust-fueled strength, she sat up, forced Ichigo onto his back, and clamored over him, her breasts pressing against his chest. "Darling," she panted. "Don't you get a turn? Let me give you a little something..." She kissed his chin.

"B-but I..." Ichigo swallowed. "I wanted to take the lead. I've gotta show you -"

"Then show me." Candice unfastened her bra and tossed it aside, and she ran her hands down Ichigo's chest. "What can you do?"

Ichigo took hold of Candice's waist and smiled as he rolled her and himself around, with Candice now on the bottom again. "Maybe some of this?" He planted a kiss at the top of Candice's cleavage.

"What about this?" Candice held Ichigo and rolled them both around again, and once again, she was on top, her breasts inches from Ichigo's face. "Think you can top me, darling?"

"Wanna play rough, huh?" Ichigo sent them both tumbling across the floor until he was on top of her next to the wall, his hands planted on the foor on either side of Candice's head. "Checkmate, honey."

"Oooooh, I like the assertive Ichigo." Candice half-closed her eyes. "Where did this all come from?"

Ichigo smiled again. "I have more, if you want it."

"Y-yeah!"

Ichigo leaned down and kissed his wife again, and at the same time, lowered himself and scooted himself closer to her. Candice moaned again as Ichigo thrust himself into her, slowly at first, tenderly, then started to accelerate. Ichigo didn't say a word, just grunted deep in his throat as he felt himself go deeper inside her, his lips kissing a trail down Candice's cheek and jaw.

Candice wrapped her arms around Ichigo's torso and held on, moaning and groaning louder as she felt herself reaching her climax, and she threw her head back again as she finally reached it, her body tensing, then relaxing in satisfaction. "Ichigo... I... oh my..."

Ichigo pulled out and flopped down next to his wife, draping one arm over his forehead, watching the ceiling. He panted as he smiled. "Good enough for you?"

"Darling." Candice traced a finger along Ichigo's chest. "I think I like the new you!"

"Glad to hear it." Ichigo made a mental note to buy both Renji and Iba a gift basket.

Footsteps sounded from down the hall. Lots of them!

"Crap. We gotta get dressed." Ichigo helped Candice up, and they both threw back on their everyday clothes, Ichigo in his black robes, Candice in her white blouse and knee-length skirt. Just in time: the door slid open, and Orihime and Rukia emerged, the former holding a radiant Shiro in her arms.

"Ichigo, Candice, your baby is such a good boy!" Orihime said brightly. "I've never held a baby this polite before!"

Rukia tilted her head. "Polite?"

"Well, in baby terms," Orihime said hastily.

Candice giggled. "Thanks, Orihime. Here..." She held out her arms and took Shiro back, holding him close to her chest. "Are we late to the tea ceremony? I'm ready if you are... what's wrong?"

For Orihime was staring in awe between both Kurosakis, her eyes wide with realization. "Y-you both..." she started.

Rukia glanced down the hall. "Brother?!"

Byakuya Kuchiki stepped into the room, his white Captain haori coat billowing behind him. "The meeting ended early," he said. "Good afternoon, ladies, Ichigo. I thought I saw a tea ceremony being set up down the hall."

"Oh. Yeah." Rukia smiled. "I was gonna show our guests how a Kuchiki puts on a show."

"A fine idea, Rukia. I..." Byakuya gave Orihime a funny look. "What is it, miss Inoue?"

Orihime pointed a trembling finger at Candice. "C-Candice, that look on your face... the faint smell of dried sweat... don't tell me...?"

Candice went pink. "I was feeling warm. I get sweaty, see?" She fanned her face.

Rukia gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "You both..." She glanced at the kimono piled up in the corner. "Did... did..."

"Nothing happened!" Ichigo blurted, but the momentum had already built up, like a huge snowball rolling down a mountain!

Even Byakuya went red, and his eyes flashed dangerously. "In my own home! As guests! This isn't your bedroom... it's not your...!" he looked like he'd have a stroke! If only he'd turn to stone, Ichigo could make his escape...

Then Giselle and Meninas showed up, dragging along a weary Renji like a sack of grain. "Hey!" Giselle cried. "Do I smell sex in here?"

"Gigi! Don't be so blunt!" Meninas bopped Giselle on the head.

Byakuya snapped out of it and stamped his foot. "Everyone out! Now! This visit is over! Pack your bags, if you please!"

Ichigo knew better than to argue. Instead, he gave Candice a sheepish smile, took her hand, and led her out of the room. "We'll be out of your hair in a sec, Byakuya."

Byakuya answered with a Hado 4: Byakurai that only narrowly missed Ichigo's head (probably as a warning shot). Getting the message, Ichigo and Candice hastened their retreat.

"Ichigo, this is so embarassing," Candice said meekly. "I can't believe -"

"Don't worry, honey." Ichigo smiled as he slid open their guest room door. "I don't regret a thing."


	9. Chapter 9

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 9**

Ichigo sighed wearily as the Kuchiki manor door slid shut behind him and he led his party off the front grounds, his left hand clasped around Candice's right hand. "Jeez, I can't believe I'm gonna sulk out of the Soul Society like this. I sure _used_ to be the hero around here."

"Cheer up, Ichigo," Orihime told him. She smiled and saluted. "You'll always be a hero to me, at least!"

"Buck up, darling," Candice said, her left arm holding Shiro close to her chest. "You won't let Count Byakuya dampen your spirits like that, will you?"

"Well..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head with a bashful smile. "You've got a point. Still, I'm gonna miss those dessert platters and the expensive baths. Man, Rukia is living it up nowadays..."

Giselle, meanwhile, chewed her lower lip, giving Ichigo a sidelong look as the party merged onto the main street. "You're still pouting, Ichigo! I can't accept that!"

"Don't worry about it." Ichigo got out a Soul Pager that Kisuke had lent him. "I'll have Mr. Urahara open up a senkaimon for me and - argh!"

Giselle dive-tackled Ichigo into someone's front lawn flowerbed and sat on top of him, a pouty look on her face. "No, no, no!" she said, waving a knowing finger. "I can't watch you give up like this. We came here to have _fun_!"

"No, we didn't."

"We came here to do _something_ , darn it, and we're not through!" Giselle tapped her finger on Ichigo's forehead. "Hey, I know just the thing."

Ichigo made a face. "Whatever it is, I'm _not_ gonna -"

Giselle waved her arms excitedly. "You know Rangiku Matsumoto, from Squad 10? Minnie and I made good friends with her the other day. She's throwing a party in her barracks, and we've gotta go!"

"Oh! That sounds like fun!" Meninas smiled and clasped her hands at her bosom. "A nice, friendly little soiree -"

"No, a festival of drunken debauchery, that's what," Giselle announced. "Ichigo, Candi, Orihime... let's party Soul Reaper style!"

Ichigo sighed and flopped his head back on the flowers. He felt ladybugs crawl around his head. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"I think we should go, too!" Candice added, and she patted Shiro's head. "I'll have someone look after the baby. Then we'll get our drink on!"

Ichigo wondered which gods he should ask for help in a time like this. Maybe all of them...?

*o*o*o*o*

Rangiku gasped in delight when she slid open her barracks door that evening, her cheeks already flushed pink from sake. She clutched her face. "No. Way! Ichigo? Orihime? Sternritters?"

"Sorry to intrude," Ichigo said meekly, until Rangiku threw herself onto the five of them and somehow wrapped her arms around them all. She nuzzled Ichigo's cheek.

"The guests of honor!" She hiccuped. "It ain't a party until the Kurosakis are here. This is gonna be great!"

 _Regretting this already,_ Ichigo thought as Rangiku strained his ribs with her crushing strength. Why did all these girls get so powerful when dragging him into all this craziness?!

Loud club music throbbed in the air from a sound system that Rangiku no doubt bought while visiting the living world, and the place was packed with guests! All in casual clothes, too, even Rangiku, who wore a black blouse and skirt and gold bangles. "Hey! Everyone!" Rangiku hollered, cupping her hands around her mouth. "The hero of the Soul Society is here! And he brought his wife and friends! Say hi!"

Ichigo clapped his hands over his ears as everyone roared a hello, and Ichigo fumbled as everyone forced drinks into his hands. "I... thanks, guys," he mumbled.

Candice patted Ichigo's back. "It's all right, darling. We don't need Duke Byakuya in order to have some fun!"

"What she said!" Giselle hooted. She already had a strong beer in each hand and raised them high.

Ichigo raised his eyebrows. "This is the barracks. What does Captain Hitsugaya think of -"

As though maybe reading Ichigo's mind, Toshiro emerged, his eyes icy as ever. "Lieutenant!" he barked.

"Yeeeeeees?" Rangiku made an unconvincing innocent look, hands clasped under her chin.

"I said to keep the noise level down! And to limit the party to ten people," Toshiro told her. "Remember?"

Rangiku glanced up and put a finger on her chin. "Uh... nope!" Which was bound to be untrue.

Toshiro sighed and turned back around. "I have paperwork. Have everyone out by 11:00 PM."

"Sure thing, Captain. Bye-byyyeeee!" Rangiku giggled and waved, and she didn't stop until Toshiro sulked off into his office.

Then Ichigo spotted a familiar head of red hair. "Renji? What the -?"

Renji turned around, a bashful look on his face, a sake cup in hand. "Didn't think you'd show up, Ichigo. How are ya?"

"Just _look_ at him. He obviously needs a drink!" came Rukia's voice from... somewhere. Then she peeked her head up from behind Renji's shoulder, and she waved. "Get a beer, carrot head! Or three! Can't you unwind just once?"

Ichigo realized that Renji was carrying Rukia piggy-back style, and he scowled. "Look at that. The Kuchiki scion, at a place like this - mmmmmf!"

Meninas opened a beer and shoved it in Ichigo's face. "Here, drink!" she said merrily, and the crowd chanted "Drink! Drink! Drink!" until Ichigo went ahead and down the bottle. He held it up, and everyone clapped and cheered.

" _Now_ the party's on!" Rangiku hooted, and the cheering doubled. "Let's start some games, everyone! Form up!"

Candice kissed her husband's cheek and toyed with her hair. "Darling, I just want to see that smile on your face," she told him. "Please? For me?"

Ichigo managed an embarrased smile. "Okay. Whatever you want."

"Then let's go!" Candice gripped Ichigo's robe sleeve and dragged him over to... something. What was this game?

"Okay, let's start with some human-style games for our guests," Rangiku said, once about twelve people from the crowd gathered in a circle facing inwards, drinks in hand. "How about Never Have I Ever?"

Everyone cheered.

"Okay, I'll go first! Ahem." Rangiku lifted her chin. "Never have I ever, uh... well, um..."

Orihime giggled. "You goof off so much, you've done _everything_ , haven't you, Ran?"

Everyone else chuckled as Rangiku smiled. "Oops! That's true, Orihime. Good point... hey, I actually know one. Never have I ever kissed a girl!"

Ichigo sure had, so he took a drink along with seven others. To his shock, Orihime did, too.

"Whoa," Ichigo commented.

Orihime went pink. "I... experimented in my freshman year of college. Nothing gross, though!"

"That's the spirit, princess!" Giselle said from across the circle. "But next time, feel free to get into gross territory!"

"Gigi!" Meninas elbowed her friend.

All eyes were on Ichigo, so he took a step forward. "Never have I ever... um... won an argument with Rukia."

Rukia rolled her violet eyes. "That's true... but make them dirtier, Ichigo! Or funny!" And no one drank to that; Rukia could demolish anyone one-on-one!

"Do another one, darling!" Candice cheered him on, and eveyone chanted his name.

"Fine, fine!" Ichigo waved a hand for silence. "Never have I ever... seen Rangiku's rack!"

"That's better, Ichigo!" Rangiku said as she took a drink (duh). Orihime did too, and one other girl Ichigo didn't know.

Ichigo stared in shock at Orihime once again. "For real?"

"She stayed at my house as a member of the Hitsugaya Advance Team, remember?" Orihime said with a sly smile.

Ichigo grinned. "You're on fire tonight, Orihime. I promise I won't tell Uryu anything."

"Thanks."

Now Renji took a turn. "Never have I ever read a dirty magazine," he announced.

Rukia elbowed him. "You have too!"

Renji went as red as his hair. "Hey, that erotic wall scroll Captain Kyoraku gave me doesn't count!"

"It does!" Rukia argued, stamping a foot. "You took an _awfully_ long time to return it."

Everyone chuckled at that, and most drank, even Meninas and Candice. "Orihime lent me one of hers," Candice explained to Ichigo after her drink. "Those guys in the pictures were... well..." She went just as red as Renji.

Ichigo tapped a finger on his beer. "Don't worry, I'm not jealous or anything. For real!" he added, seeing his wife's sly look.

Rukia went ahead with hers. "Never have I ever gone skinny-dipping."

Ichigo tried not to recall a certain memory as he drank. This time, Orihime didn't, but Renji, Giselle, and Candice did.

"You went skinny-dipping, too?" Renji asked Giselle, amazed.

Meninas rolled her eyes. "She's done _everything_ nude at least once."

"That's true!" Giselle said proudly. She toyed with one of her hair antennae. "In fact, if you want -"

"Okay, let's transition to another one. Everyone sit down," Rangiku announced, and the third seat officer pased around fresh beers. More joined them to form a mega-circle of fifteen. "We're doin' truth or dare!" Rangiku said, clearly tipsy as she arranged harder drinks and glasses on a tray in front of her. "And that includes these drinks, just to work some tongues loose."

Ichigo watched the hard drink with suspicion. What secrets would they loosen?

"I'll go first! Me, me!" Giselle waved her arms.

"Cheater," Meninas muttered.

"Fine, then you get some first, Minnie. Truth or dare?" Giselle challenged her friend.

Meninas shrank back as everyone stared at her in glee. She nervously toyed with her beer. "I-I, uh..."

"Do a dare!" Renji cried.

"No, the truth!" Rukia demanded.

Meninas braced herself as though about to jump into freezing water. "D-dare!"

Giselle smiled widely and leaned closer. "Kiss me."

"Oooooooooh!" said pretty much everyone else.

"Or drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself. Your choice," Giselle added, puckering her lips.

Meninas squeaked. "Drinking that much would kill me!"

"Sounds like you made up your mind." Giselle leaned a bit closer, holding Meninas' shoulders.

"Oh, why not." Sternritter P leaned in, closed her eyes, and gave Giselle a big, wet smooch that earned all kinds of applause.

"Everyone drink to celebrate! New rule!" Rangiku cheered, and everyone obeyed. Ichigo grinned as he finished his drink; the alcohol was giving him a nice buzz. He felt so light and relaxed!

Meninas parted from her friend and wiped her lips with the back of her gloved hand. "Okay, now my turn." Her cunning eyes roved the eager crowd. She locked onto her target like a high-tech missile. "Ichigo! Truth or dare?"

"Truth!" Orihime suggested.

"Dare! _Dare_!" Giselle piped up.

Ichigo made a face. "These suggestions aren't part of the game! Okay, um... truth. Do your worst."

Meninas cracked a grin not unlike Giselle's. "Ichigo, where's the most creative place where you and Candice made love?"

Giggles broke out and Ichigo felt more eyes lock onto him. He smiled and patted Candice's knee. "On a tree stump near the creek in the park that's close to my house. Raichimon Park, it's called."

"Oh! I've been there!" Meninas realized. Then she giggled. "In the wild? Nice one, Ichigo! You and Candice are like animals, in a good way."

"I sure am." Candice mimed a growling tiger and nibbled on Ichigo's earlobe, her claw-like fingers gripping him. "Grrrrrr, I'm a tigress!" She let off a few zaps of The Thunderbolt, and nearby players jumped away in alarm.

"Au naturel!" Renji said proudly. "You've got some style, Ichigo!"

"That's not how you pronounce it," Rukia told him.

"Whatever."

"So!" Ichigo squared his shoulders once Candice let go of him. "Rukia, truth or dare?"

Rukia sat up straighter. "Truth!"

"Tell me to what base you and Renji got on your first date, and all the details," Ichigo said, amazed at how loose his tongue felt. "Either that, or three shots of the hard drinks!"

"Oooooooh!" said everyone again, glancing eagerly at Rukia, who went red.

"W-well, uh..." Rukia traced nervous circles on the wooden floor with her finger, avoiding Renji's eyes. "We got to... um... I mean, we only..."

Then she lunged for the hard drinks and took three shots at lightning speed. Everyone clapped as she resumed her place, still totally red.

"Good call. Those details aren't suitable for the public," Renji said, putting a comforting arm around his wife.

Rukia trembled. "No kidding!" Then she tossed her hair and pointed. "Ichigo again! Truth or dare?"

 _So that's how it is?_ Ichigo cleared his throat. "Let's keep the truth train rolling."

"Really." Rukia's eyes glinted. "In that case... when was the last time when you got hot and heavy with Candice, but you didn't feel manly enough to finish things? Ever lose your moxy?"

 _Renji must have taught her that!_ Ichigo faltered. "Well, I... uh...!"

"That, or three shots of hard drinks!" Rukia added.

Ichigo sure as hell took that offer. Man, was everyone gonna nose in on his love life?! Then he realized... _they all know about my home life woes! Fine, let's see what they can get outta me!_

Around the circle things went, until Rangiku pointed at Candice. "Truth or dare, missy?"

"Dare!" Candice cheered.

"Got it." Rangiku cocked her head. "Show us the first ten seconds of lovemaking with your husband!"

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" everyone chanted.

"Watch this." Candice smiled, then pounced on Ichigo and pinned him down, parting his black robes while trailing kisses up and down his neck and chest, letting off zaps of The Thunderbolt as she went. She unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it aside, gently pressing her breasts to Ichigo's chest, her own chest heaving. "Hope you don't mind an audience, darling," she whispered tantalizingly into Ichigo's ear.

"This is totally more than ten seconds," Ichigo mentioned.

"Why, d'you want me to stop?"

"Nope!"

"Hey, I can do that, too!" Without warning, Giselle whipped off her top and tackled Meninas to the ground, straddling her while tracing her tongue down Sternritter P's jaw.

"Gigi, stop... wait, that feels good," Meninas moaned, tilting her head to expose her neck. "Just a little more?" She undid the top two buttons of her blouse, revealing her lacy white bra.

Then Rukia took the plunge and lovingly tackled Renji to the floor, gleefully parting his robe, running her hands along his well-defined abs. Everyone cheered and clapped, and Rangiku looked astounded.

"Hey! You guys didn't take turns yet!" Rangiku cried, but no one as paying attention until she held up the hard alcohol bottles. "Guys... whoever listens to me gets free drinks and bonus points in the next game!"

Candice sat up on Ichigo's chest and gasped. "Extra drinks and points?" Then she looked back down at her husband. "Never mind, I have my bonus points right here!"

"I'll let Candice decide the next game," Rangiku offered.

Candice got to her feet, hands on her hips, a wicked grin on her face. "Listen up, Soul Reapers! I have a new game. I call it -"

Ichigo didn't remember much after that.

Although... he _did_ remember becoming Captain Morgan's first mate, so to speak, and Candice making best friends with Jim Beam, and Renji winning against Giselle in a game of Edward 40-hands (where you duct-tape 40-ounce bottles of beer to your hands and drink until they're both empty), and Orihime nuzzling Rangiku's busty bosom (twice, actually, or maybe three times), and Giselle getting naked, putting her clothes on, then stripping again several times, and -

Ugh. Ichigo's vision got fuzzy, and he didn't even feel himself collapse face-down on the couch and fall asleep.

Nothing embarrassing or bad had happened to him, right? He was in the clear, wasn't he...? Surely, he was fine...


	10. Chapter 10

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Chapter 10**

Ichigo blinked awake when he felt Candice's hand patting his cheek. "Darling!" she said, her voice sounding underwater. "Are you awake?"

"Oooohhh, man." Ichigo blinked again and slowly sat up. It felt like ten angry monkeys were using the inside of his skull as a taiko drum, and he was so thirsty! And sore! Why...?

"What _happened_ last night?" Ichigo mumbled, then realized his dreadfully trite that sounded. He realized that he had lain on Candice's lap, and she patted his cheek again.

"Such a good time!" Candice said, her eyes bright. "You don't remember it?"

"Um..." Around him, Ichigo saw the Squad 10 officers, plus Orihime, cleaning up... everything! Did a tornado blow through here?! Trash and empty bottles and random clothes on the floor, furniture busted, the walls dented and scratched, and a lingering smell of... way too much partying. Clearly, Hurricane Giselle had come through! Yeah! Even better than a tornado!

"Morning, sunshine," Rangiku said with a smile. She handed over a glass of water. "Drink up. Rehydrate."

Ichigo gratefully took a drink and sat next to his wife, wincing the whole time as everyone made too much noise cleaning up. "Did I pass out?"

Candice nodded. "Sure did, darling! It was so funny... Rangiku wanted to draw on your face, but I didn't let her. She wanted to draw a -"

"Ahem!" Rangiku went red and cleared her throat, her eyes flashing.

"A pretty butterfly," Candice invented. She wrapped her arms around her husband and squeezed gently.

Then the front door slammed open and Giselle and Meninas waltzed in, both eating from open boxes of doughnuts. "Rise and shine, Ichigo!" Giselle cheered. "And yes, I love you too! Sorry I didn't tell you earlier!"

Ichigo drained his glass of water and frowned. "Sorry, _what_?"

"I love you too, darling!" Meninas added, and everyone giggled.

Ichigo felt himself go red. "What did I forget?!"

Candice picked up the empty bottle of Captain Morgan for Ichigo to see. "I think you fell in love with _everyone_ at the party, darling. You were going around everywhere, confessing how special everyone was, that they were so dear to you... it was wonderful!"

"Oh, _that_." Ichigo groaned as his fuzzy mind served a platter of drunken memories. He really _did_ drape his arms around everyone's shoulder with the Captain Morgan in one hand, telling them (between hiccups) how he looooooved them all! Rangiku! Renji! Giselle! Meninas! The seventh seat officer, for some reason!

"Love you too, bro," Renji said with a teasing grin as he swept up loose trash in the corner.

Ichigo hung his head. "At least that's the worst of it."

"Well..." Candice said, and she kissed his cheek.

Ichigo twitched. "What now?!"  
"We, uh... invented naked waltzing."

"What?!"

Rukia knelt by Ichigo and offered some Polaroids with a big smile. "It was around 2:00 in the morning," she said. "Look! There's you and Candice..."

And there they were, immortalized in photographic form, Ichigo and Candice doing a very sloppy waltz/tango thing in their birthday suits, not a care in the world as everyone clapped to keep rhythym (that's what it looked like). Then Ichigo was treated to photos of him doing the same with Meninas, Orihime doing the dance with Renji, Rangiku with... everyone, and Rukia with a training dummy.

Ichigo ran his hands over his face. "I can't show my mug anywhere ever again!"

Candice patted Ichigo's knee. "It's all right, darling. At least you didn't break anything. _Unlike you, Gigi!"_ she suddenly roared, pointing right at Sternritter Z.

Giselle, who had powered sugar and chocolate creme on her mouth, stared innocently. "Me?"

"She totally broke everything," Renji supplied, and there were mutters of agreement.

"Well, whoops! Send me a bill," Giselle said.

Ichigo frowned. "Do you even have a real address?"

Giselle helped herself to another doughnut. "Nope!"

"Hey, we've been _naughty_ ," Meninas said with a smile. "Is anyone going to punish us? Renji, you proved yourself a wonderful spanker last night... feel free to continue!"

Renji went red and looked away. "We did enough of _that_."

And for good measure, Rukia provided a Polaroid of the very same spanking. Meninas was salivating and clearly moaning in delight as Renji swatted his hand on her bare behind.

"Well, I'll be going!" Giselle announced, twirling around to leave. "Let's go, Minnie. Maybe there's a movie theater around here -"

 _"No one's going anywhere!"_

Captain Hitsugaya stomped into the spacious room, and he had a red party streamer stuck in his snow-white hair. "My barracks... ruined! I blame Lieutenant Matsumoto in particular!"

"Fair is fair, Captain," Rangiku agreed, giving him the peace sign.

"Kurosakis, feel free to head out. You too, Inoue," Captain Hitsugaya said, clearly holding back a volcano of rage. "As for everyone else, you're gonna -!"

Ichigo didn't hear the rest of that furious sentence, for he, Candice, and Orihime booked it the hell outta there and onto the main street. There, Ichigo stretched and yawned, trying to make this day feel normal. "Where's Shiro, honey?" he asked. "Who's been watchin' him?"

Candice smiled, took her husband's hand, and jogged down the street as Orihime raced to catch up. "This way!"

"Oh. This makes sense," Ichigo said, relieved, when Candice brought him to Squad 4's barracks. "Probably the safest place in the Seireitei."

"I love it here," Orihime said kindly.

As though listening, the doors creaked open and a certain officer stumbled forth, wrangling with Shiro in his arms.

"Stop - that - you - wild - beast!" Hanataro Yamada grunted, fighting back as Shiro tugged on his cheek, hair, and robes, giggling the whole time. Then Hanataro looked up and held Shiro in a more respectable position. "Welcome!" he said, bowing his head. "Mr. Kurosaki, Mrs. Kurosaki, miss Inoue!"

Ichigo waved a hand. "Whoa, relax, Hanataro. It's me. We're friends."

"I... I know. But you're my client. You entrusted me with your child!" Hanataro cried. "Therefore, I _must_ \- whoa!"

Shiro leaped from the Soul Reaper's hands and into Candice's arms, and Orihime gasped, her hands over her mouth. "I never saw him do that before," she said.

Hanataro made a face. "The ambient spirit energy around here is super-charging your baby. He won't stop moving and making trouble!"

"Reminds me of some other people," Ichigo muttered. He beamed and patted his son's head. "Thanks for watching him."

"It's no trouble." Hanataro bowed deeper. "In fact, why don't you join me for breakfast? As a gesture of goodwill!"

 _Is Hanataro gunning for a promotion? Still, he's a nice guy._ Ichigo nodded. "Thanks, bro. Let's eat."

*o*o*o*o*

Ichigo realized he was wrong. Hanataro had already been promoted to third seat and had no ambitions to unseat the current Lieutenant, and instead, he "found new appreciation for life and happiness" after the carnage of the Blood War against the Wandenreich.

"Oh, that's water under the bridge," Candice said kindly once breakfast was over. "You're such a sweetie, Hanataro. I never saw you as an enemy."

Hanataro bowed his head yet again. "Thank you, Mrs. Kurosaki!"

Ichigo waved a hand. "Hey hey, you'll crick your neck at this rate," he said as Candice finished feeding Shiro his breakfast.

"O-oh! Good point!" Hanataro raised his head. "It would be ironic if I had to get medical attention for that. Well, I _do_ meditate and do flower arranging with Captain Kotetsu. The late Captain Unohana loved those things, and taught them all to Captain Kotetsu. In fact, I'm late! I've gotta go!" Hanataro babbled all this right before he sprang to his feet, panic clear on his face.

"Someone's got a bee in his bonnet," Candice commented. "Are you all right?"

Hanataro swallowed. "Y-yes. It's just that the last few years have turned the Soul Society upside-down. The ryoka attack, Captain Aizen's betrayal, fighting the Espadas, the Quincy affair... but I must endure. I have to find inner peace and balance myself with the world. Captain Unohana taught me that before she died." He forced a smile.

Candice stood and held Shiro close to her chest. "We'll join you! I think we could use some quiet time. It sounds lovely."

Hanataro bowed his head again. "Yes, ma'am. Ouch!" He finally cricked his neck from bowing.

After a hasty medical kido and embarrassed muttering, Hanataro led them to the central garden next to a pond and some blossom trees, where Captain Isane Kotetsu already sat in the lotus position.

"Hanataro. There you are," Isane said brightly when the group arrived. "I see you bought friends. Welcome!"

"May they meditate with us?" Hanataro asked timidly.

"Of course. Join me," Isane said.

So, Ichigo sat next to Candice, and Candice settled Shiro in her lap, gently rocking him back and forth, humming to herself.

"Am I doing this right?" Candice asked.

Isane smiled. "No, not exactly."

"I know. I was only joking." Candice leaned to Ichigo's ear. "I wasn't joking..."

Ichigo let the time pass, the wind blow, the trees sway, the something something... it was hard to keep track of time, and between Hanataro's nervous fidgeting and Candice playing with Shiro, it was kinda hard to focus. What would he focus on, anyway? His mind drifted back to his responsibilities at home, like his classwork piling up, his due rent, finding a new job, trying to find a way to budget his time and energy for all this... what was he to do?

Then Ichigo saw Giselle and Meninas peeking from over the south wall, waving at him.

 _Go away!_ Ichigo mouthed at them, but they didn't listen. Instead, they both hopped down, snuck across the garden, and sat on either side of Captain Kotetsu, pretending to meditate. Meninas was clearly trying hard not to laugh. And soon enough -

"BOO!" Giselle shouted.

"Whoa!" Captain Isane fell over from shock, her hair and robes askew. "What are you doing here?!" she yelped.

"We were getting bored," Giselle said, holding up a finger. "So we followed Candi around."

"Wouldn't meditating be even more boring for you?" Orihime pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah," Giselle realized, a finger on her lower lip. "Then I'll make it more fun!"

"Miss Gewelle, please don't!" Hanataro winced.

Giselle giggled and scooted over, rubbing her shoulder against Hanataro. "Don't worry. You're such a cutie, I'll be gentle."

"Be gentle with wh-what?"

Giselle shoved Hanataro onto his stomach and sat cross-legged on top of him. "Hold still, okay?"

"Why?" Hanataro wailed.

"C'mon. Isn't this kinda hot?" Giselle teased him.

"This is humiliating!"

"Hey, give _me_ a turn, Gigi." Meninas tapped Giselle's shoulder. "I want to sit on him next."

"I'm still on him!" Giselle retorted. "Flower-boy is mine, you see."

"Giselle does it again," Candice told Ichigo, giggling as the Sternritters fought over poor Hanataro. Then, to her astonishment, Shiro broke free of his mother's arms and launched himself at Giselle on a cushion of spiritual pressure. He plowed right into Giselle like a freight train and knocked her right over!

"Shiro! You've betrayed me!" Giselle sprawled on the grass. "After all the fun we've had together?"

Meninas stared. "I never saw him do that before!"

"Me neither!" Orihime admitted.

Shiro babbled to himself and patted Hanataro's head as though reassuring him. The baby kept it up until Hanataro sat up, groaning.

"I got saved by an infant," Hanataro admitted. "Some officer I am! But thanks, little Shiro. Is it because I treated you so well?"

Shiro waved his arms and giggled.

Giselle towered over Shiro, hands on her hips. "Hey, buster! You're messing with a Sternritter! No one gets away with that."

As a response, Shiro zoomed across the grass between Giselle's legs and up the wall. He sat on the wall's top, giggling and babbling again.

"You won't make a fool of me!" Giselle raced after Shiro on hirenkyaku, her black hair fluttering as she and Shiro drew a zig-zag pattern all across the garden in a high-speed chase, and not even Meninas' help could capture the wayward infant. Shiro even shot past Isane, knocking her over from the wind as he kept one pace ahead of the Sternritters.

"They're trampling on the flowers! And breaking everything!" Isane cried, hands shielding her face from the sheer carnage.

"Hold on, Captain." Orihime stood and held out her hands, a determined look on her face. _"Santen Kesshun!"_

The familiar barrier of gold light popped into the air just as Shiro came rocketing toward her, and the baby bounced harmlessly off the surface and into Orihime's arms. Giselle and Meninas, meanwhile, bounced off wildly and fell right into the pond.

"Whoa! This is cold!" Giselle crawled out of the pond, soaking wet. "Why can't you guys install some heating?"

"It's not a Jacuzzi," Ichigo grumbled.

Giselle shrugged and peeled off all her wet clothes, and she tossed them aside. "Oh, well. This feels nice, anyway." She stretched her arms wide as Meninas also undressed.

"Hey!" Isane clapped her hands over Hanataro's eyes, her face pink. "Don't you have any modesty?"

"I don't think Giselle even knows what modesty _is_ ," Ichigo admitted.

"Hanataro, honey, don't you wanna look?" Giselle asked teasingly as she and Meninas surrounded him. "Come on!"

"B-b-but...!" Hanataro babbled.

Giselle shoved Isane onto the ground and embraced Hanataro on his left side, pressing her wet, bare breasts against his skin. "Don't you wanna get all wet and dirty?"

"You poor boy. Haven't you had a good time with girls before?" Meninas wrapped herself around Hanataro's other side, her melon-like breasts pressed against Hanataro's chest, her nipples tickling him.

Hanataro couldn't even get a coherent sentence out, red in the face as the Sternritters started grinding their hips against him. He looked like he's collapse if they let him go!

"Okay, that's enough!" Captain Kotetsu sprang to her feet and punted Giselle and Meninas over the garden wall.

"We'll miss yooooouuuu!" Giselle hollered as she arced through the air. Then she vanished from sight.

Captain Kotetsu sighed wearily. "Remind me again why we let those Sternritters come here?"

"I've tried to tame them, miss Captain Lady," Candice mentioned. "Really."

"I don't think _anyone_ can do it," Ichigo admitted.

Hanataro, meanwhile, rubbed his eyes. "Naked... girls... so close to me!"

Captain Isane bopped him on the head with her fist. "Why don't you take a hot bath, Yamada? Chop chop!"

Hanataro, still mumbling about breasts, sauntered off.

Orihime smiled bracingly and handed Shiro back to Candice. "So, uh... are we still meditating? Or can we visit the marketplace for breakfast?"

"But we had breaskfast already," Ichigo said.

"Not _that_ one. Second breakfast!" Orihime clapped her hands together. "There's so many hot food stands nearby, and I wanna try them all!"

Ichigo glanced at Candice, who nodded. They got up to join Orihime. "Whatever you like, miss hobbit."


	11. Epilogue

**The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)**

by Ulquiorra9000

 **Epilogue**

Ichigo wiped his brow as he swung open the front door to his apartment and trudged in, setting down his carrying bag by the door. "I'm back," he called out.

"Well, _there_ you are." Candice emerged from Shiro's room with the baby in her arms. "You haven't been out this late in weeks, darling. We were getting a bit lonely." She patted Shiro's head, and the baby giggled.

Ichigo removed his shoes and kissed Candice's cheek. "Sorry about that. Lost track of time."

"Or maybe, you were just having a good time," Candice teased, handing over Shiro. She put her hands on her hips. "You've been a busy bee ever since we came back home from the Soul Society, y'know. Having fun out there?"

Ichigo shrugged, gently bobbing Shiro in his arms. "It's just a job search, is all. It's pretty tedious."

"Still," Candice said with a smile, "I think I've got my old husband back. You've got that... gleam in your eyes."

"Huh? Where?" Ichigo jokingly rubbed his eyes, but he hesitated when he took in Candice's meaning. "I didn't notice. I'm just going about my daily life."

"More than _that_." Candice pointed at her husband. "Seeing your old friends Rukia and Renji and Hanataro again, and taking part in their lives... it changed you." She cocked her head. "No, I think... it rekindled the hope and spirit of the man I fell in love with in the first place."

Ichigo stared in awe. "I... whoa. Are you for real?"

"Of course I am, silly." Candice shyly toyed with a strand of her vivid green hair. "I dunno if it was whatever Renji told you, or meditating with Hanataro, or just the really good food at the Kuchiki manor, but... well..." She gently took Shiro back and kissed Ichigo on the lips. "I like the end result. It makes me very happy." She went back into Shiro's room and set him down in his crib.

Ichigo chuckled. "Are you sure it wasn't just Giselle and Meninas hitting me on the head?" But as he said it, he knew his wife had a point. "It wasn't just all the pushups Renji and Tetsuzaemon made me do. Just seeing the life Rukia and Renji put together... it gave me perspective."

Candice wrapped her arms around Ichigo. "Oh? What what perspective is that?"

"Um... it's..." Ichigo glanced up as he scratched his head. What was a really impressive way to phrase it? "Look, Uryu or Orihime would put it more eloquently than I could. All I gotta say is that I love the life that _we_ put together, and I'll never forget that, even when times are tough. I was pass-out drunk at our wedding, but I wrote my vows afterwards." He held his wife close. "One of them was to support my family in thick and thin. It's the least I can do."

"That was plenty eloquent for me, darling." Candice led Ichigo to the couch and they sat side by side. Candice folded her hands on her lap and beamed. "So, you'll be there for Shiro and me every day?"

"Yeah."

"Tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"Next week?"

"You know it."

"When we take an expensive trip to the Caribbean and live like royalty for a week?"

"I - whoa, that'll take some saving up..."

Candice patted Ichigo's knee.

"Yeah. I'll be there for you then, too."

"Thank you. And I..." Candice kissed Ichigo's cheek. "Will never forget the way I felt when I first met you, even if our first date was a drunken whirlwind. Remember that? Even back then, I knew that you, Ichigo Kurosaki, would make me whole. And you still do, and I trust you to do that, always."

Ichigo felt himself go red. "That... whoa. Did you take lessons from Orihime?"

"And Rukia, and Tatsuki, and Uryu. All the ladies," Candice said with a giggle. "You're my husband, Ichigo. I know, Giselle and I are a real handful sometimes, but I've been meaning to remind you that, no matter what, I'm yours. Seeing how Rukia is with Renji... I think _I_ got a little inspired, too." She wiped her brow. "Mmmmmmm. It feels wonderful, saying that out loud. I feel like I've owed it to you for a while."

"I'm humbled."

"Too humble to order a little dinner?" Candice nudged Ichigo with her elbow.

Ichigo grinned and got out his phone. "What are you in the mood for? There's a few places around here that deliver."

Candice leaned back. "Hmmmmm... why don't your surprise me."

"I think I will."

The rest of Ichigo's evening with Candice and Shiro was the most mundane, ordinary instance of domestic life he'd ever had.

It was perfect.

 **The end!**


End file.
